I hurt my neck on Sunday. So I am out of commission, meaning I replaced my usual Tuesday exercise with pizza, a beer, and video games.

Last night I got a chance to play Super Smash Bros Brawl. No, it was not as amazing as I thought it would be. But granted, I had really high expectations. It’s basically just about as good as the first but with a lot more options. Like one of the options you can turn on called “curry breath” that turns the game into a cluster fuck where you rapidly and uncontrollably breath fire. It has to be seen to be understood. Take my word for it. It’s stressful.

Mostly what I can’t get over is the weird inconsistencies with the marketing of the game.

Wow. Check out this awesome, fierce cast of male Nintendo characters usually rendered as family friendly cartoons, but here, rendered as colorful rugby guys who will bite your ear off.

But then you actually play the game and you get stuff like this.

I know you don’t see what I see. It’s because you haven’t played the game. I’ll circle it in bright red Photoshop paint for you.

The Princess Toadstool is one of the characters brawling. Do you know what her special power is? She picks up a turnip out of the ground and then throws it at someone while making a wimpy whimper. So lame. You know what Nintendo? Jiggleypuff was a useless enough character. We didn’t need another.

You, Princess are the worst character ever. The only game you were ever useful in is Mario Kart, but really that was because the noise you made when accelerating sounded like a baby whispering, “Kick Back!” And that was cool, because, yes, I like to “kick back.” But, Princess, you should have just stayed in the castle getting raped by Bowser or whatever.

That being said I am still buying the game because I want to hook my Wii to the webz and challenge all of you to Smash Bros duels.

We can also let our Miis mingle. Sexy, right?

P.S. That’s mii lounging in the Mario Galaxy. Come up and see me sometime.

7 Responses to “When Cute Flying Things Attack”

1. Drew Says:
   March 12th, 2008 at 9:24 pm

   So… you gonna post your game code or what?

   [reply this comment]

   Fist Patrick reply on March 17, 2008:

   I need to figure out how to get the Wii hooked up to the web first. It’s kind of confusing, especially since I steal free internet from a neighbor who doesn’t password protect their wireless.

2. Locke Says:
   March 25th, 2008 at 4:19 pm

   I’m just saying… Samus is a girl.

   [reply this comment]

3. NixxxoN Says:
   May 31st, 2008 at 3:56 pm

   LOL… Jigglypuff is a good character and so is Peach! And Samus! And Zelda/Sheik!! The fact that they are all female doesnt mean anything.

   [reply this comment]

   Fist Patrick reply on June 3, 2008:

   Samus is great. No complaints about her.

   I maintain that Peach sucks, and also that I think Jigglypuff is just an obese prepubescent male.

4. Ruman Says:
   August 16th, 2008 at 12:47 pm

   …

   You know she’s high-tier, right?

   [reply this comment]

5. Ruman Says:
   August 16th, 2008 at 12:49 pm

   Not to mention sometimes she’ll pick up a bomb or a beam sword instead of a turnip and that some turnips are OHKO.

   On the other hand, she’s generally considered to have been nerfed in Brawl, and her Peach Bomber is now a heart instead of an explosion, but she by no means sucks.

   [reply this comment]

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