Posted on February 19th, 2009 by Vagenius
4 Comments »
Hi. Vagenius here, GMSC co-founder and the site’s resident former “Internally Homophobic Vigilante,” as my therapist once put it. Now, while in the past I’ve used this site to essentially slam gay men for demonstrating endless hypocrisy and self-defeating, inadvertently retrogressive behavior, that doesn’t mean I hate all gay men. Because I don’t. Nor do I hate myself, and nor do I wish I weren’t gay. ‘Cuz, hey, I’m fine (not “fawww-ine,” but, y’know…fine). (Well, maybe fawww-ine, too, depending on whether or not I’ve shaved.)
You know what’s not fine, though? When gay elves with your Mom’s haircut are given the chance to flaunt their self-important “issues” (at the cost of one tragically overweight gaychaser’s dignity). Even less fine? That such an opportunity is provided by the Original Mess herself, Ms. Tyra Banks, whose talk show has either replaced Jenny Jones’s as the most retarded ever, or this is just what happens when something isn’t hosted by Oprah (I wouldn’t know, because I only watch Oprah when the episode description guarantees that the show will be OFF THE WALL BONKERS).
Despite his lilting, Hills-inspired falsetto and the vest he stole from a baby tuxedo, openly gay 19-year-old Shane considers homosexual men weaker than heterosexuals men. According to Shane, people with penises are “supposed to be Alpha” (which Tyra brilliant describes by impersonating Tim Allen’s entire stand-up routine). “The majority of gay guys are effeminate,” he says, before adding that “if they want to be girls, they should get a sex change or sometheeeng???”
Uh, Shane? Before you suggest reconstructive surgery to the limp-wristed, you might want to shave that putrid pussy off of your chin. I, too, once had a goatee (in high school), but I also thought I was a “nu jazz” musician at the time named Soul Patch. So at least I had an excuse. You’re just awful, and that’s only made clearer by the pubes growing down your face.
Anyway, yes, the kid’s argument is, indeed, ridiculous. We can all recognize that.
Even the audience is all, “RU 4 REAL???????!??”
Shane’s insistence on calling vaginas “caves” and exclusively “dealing with” dicks that look like his (”I’m a pretty big fan of my own,” he says, describing its “beautiful shape” the way my mom describes the new linoleum flooring) is only more telling of how rotten he is. That, you see, is because Shane is a smarmy, deluded teenager whose smirks and kidspeak reveal that, despite his young age, he knows exactly what he’s doing. Appearing on a widely-watched talk show, seemingly giddy at the chance to publicly air out the “drama” ensuing between himself, his personal Fall Out Boy, Skylar (ugh, really?), and sad sack Tia, who is clearly counting down the days until one of these emo’mos posts a vaguely worded poem about her on their LiveJournal, Shane is thrilled by the attention (that’s why he’s smiling throughout the segment, you see), and his convictions against everything-but-the-homosexuality are not only deplorable for their vapidness, but more so because they scream of a narcissistic, self-righteous hunger for reaction.
Additionally, dreck like this should be blamed on Tyra and her producers, who air this post-modern freak show, which takes the next natural step in a genre that – not long ago – flaunted trannies and shrieking club kids as the homos from whom you should always shield your children. And while Tyra is no Sally Jesse Raphael (btw, SJR: where are you? Did you know you’re the ultimate fashion icon of Bedford Avenue?!), she does know how to fan the flames (ask Rich about it). Neither Tyra nor her audience, by any mean condone Shane’s gay self-hatred, but they give it the credence to make it even the least bit tangible. And it is tangible. Just ask Ted Haggard or Larry Craig or Mark Foley or, y’know, people who have been there. Whereas those dudes desperately tried to conceal their yearning desire for dong (a natural move for any gay man over thirty, who, in Shane’s words, is by default “creepy” and “looking to get get some sixteen-year-old butt”), Shane is doing that thing that stupid girls on reality shows do, when they’re all like, “I’m ‘The Crazy Girl.’ You wouldn’t even be-lieve how crazy I am! Like, I’ll dance on the bar!”
Shane’s plea for attention is a shameful display so transparent that, outside of an online social network, the only other medium in which it could be glorified so colorfully is on television. This is not a real discussion – it’s a demented minstrel show. And while we can’t expect Tyra to suddenly become Deborah Solomon, her hyperbolic, girlish shock is, nonetheless, despicably childish. Throwing around phrases that I thought were exclusively uttered in places that reek of strawberry lip gloss and Auntie Anne’s pretzel-shaped butter sticks, Tyra essentially validates Shane – from his laughably inarticulate standards for “hook-ups” to his egregious fear of vaginas (sorry, dude, that’s nothing new) – thereby encouraging a tragically inauthentic phase to receive the exact gasps of horror it doesn’t deserve, all for the sake of making good television.
While gay self-hatred exists, The Tyra Banks Show is probably the worst possible forum in which to give it credence as an actual problem. Shane has inevitably been pushed to brand a “unique identity” through the profile pics, status updates, and YouTube confessionals that encourage every kid today to consider himself a mini-celebrity, and thus, this is just a significantly more public method by which he can achieve that specific infamy. Or, on the other hand, he’s facing a problem that is taking a genuine emotional toll.
Unfortunately, we’ll never know, because it doesn’t seem that any party involved here cares enough to treat gay self-hatred as an actual emotional dilemma, one that has not-so-secretly resulted in decades of teen suicide. Instead, it makes for really crazy brunch conversation. Thanks, Tyra. And fuck you, Shane.
Love you, Tia!!!
I couldn’t bear to watch, but if you want more Shane or gay self-hatred exposed, here’s part 2, 3, 4, and 5.
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February 19th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
As your fellow writer on this site who normally disagrees with your op-ed gay opinion pieces, I think this is spot on and the best thing you’ve written here. The only person truly blameless here is poor misguided Tia.
<3 Tia <3
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February 20th, 2009 at 8:32 am
The worst part is when he talks about supposedly creepy old men on the internet looking for young boys because it’s so clear that he knows about them because has engaged with these people and sucks dick all the time. And it’s embarrassing that he calls genitals “down there,” like the mid-Western middle-aged dried-up vagina woman-with-a-pixie-cut that he is. This clip is inane and disgusting. Good article though, damn bitch.
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February 26th, 2009 at 2:40 pm
damn he ugly! Tyra girl you best be brown baggin that shit afore you put it on tv!
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November 13th, 2009 at 8:41 am
I still think that Shane is really cute…even if he sounds like he’s done acid for awhile lol.
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