Posted on December 13th, 2007 by Colin
For those unfamiliar with gay television or the advertisements plastered all over the 8th Avenue subway station, Dante’s Cove is perhaps the crappiest, most low budget show to elicit a variety of responses from it’s audience. Intrigued by it’s premise of gay wizards and supernatural gays on the beach I have embarked on an exercise in bad taste to log the series. If you missed it, the re-cap of Season 1 Episode 1 is here.
Dante’s Cove — Season 1 — Episode 2 — Then There Was Darkness
00:02 This episode opens with Toby and Kevin having gay sex on a picnic. Toby totally wants to put a strawberry in Kevin’s ass. Also: Why do they not ever have body hair?
00:03 Kevin is all chained up in a dream. He’s all torn over whether to go to Toby or Ambrosius. Both are kind of ugly.
00:05 Ambrosius has a total lair in the lighthouse with candles everywhere just for Kevin. It’s decorated like a bedroom that a goth girl would want to lose her virginity in. Kevin feels weird about doing it with Ambrosius because he loves Toby’s eyebrows.
00:07 Kevin blows Ambrosius. Then more slow-mo soft core anal sex. Ambrosius is totes a bareback bossy bottom. Again, where’s the condoms? Ambrosius totally has meth lines, no wonder he’s such an AIDsey ho-bag. At least there are finally gay wizards up in this joint.
00:10 Wow, their friend Corey is really a total troll.
00:12 Grace, aka fag hag witch, looks at Kevin and makes his insides fry with her stare. I don’t understand why they’re torturing Kevin so much still. I mean, the old man Ambrosius already rape-kissed him.
00:13 Toby says to Adam(the straight friend), “real friends don’t piss on eachother.” Unless they’re into water sports of course. That goes without saying.
00:15 Ambrosius kills old homeless lady ghost. This is meaningless because we have no idea who she is anyways.
00:17 Kevin died? The old lady must of killed him with her fiery magic wizard stare. The doctor say it looks like suicide. This makes no sense because someone cannot magically fry themselves in a suicide. They must not do autopsies in Dante’s Cove.
00:25 WIZARD FIGHT!!!! YESSSS!!!! Grace and Ambrosius have it out all-magic-out-the-fingers style.
00:27 Aunt Jemima appears as Grace’s servant in a flashback. Also, I just noticed that ambrosius doesn’t have the meth lines when he’s in times of yore before he’s supposed to marry Grace. Is that unintentional commentary? They talk about some stuff and how they were supposed to get married. Blah blah blah. I want gay wizards.
00:30 Back to the gays. Thank god. Toby gets comforted by straight friend Adam, who is obvi going to turn gay later. Adam who gets all jealous about Toby’s feelings for Kevin.
00:33 Ambrosius imprisons Grace and tansforms her from being a fag hag in her 50s to Grizabella from Cats.
00:36 Kevin gets revived. Thank god. He’s the only decent looking guy on the show even if he does make the same I-made-a-poopie tantrum face as a 3 year old when he gets upset.
00:39 Pointless little children ghosts appear. Hopefully they’ll have some bearing on the plot, because I can’t believe they convinced these kid’s parents to allow them to act in this piece of soft core smut.
00:42 Ambrosius comes in all surprised Kevin is alive. Kevin doesn’t remember him. Unexplained gay black magic made it all happen. Obviously.
0:47 The troll of a man that is Corey is doing it with some guy in the basement. Toby threatens to “kick his ass,”which I don’t believe because Toby is a pansy. He must think threats make him “str8 acting,” like he must advertise on his gay.com profile.
0:50 There’s a stupid fight between Grace and Ambrosius in the basement. I get it. Ambrosius got powers while he was imprisoned. Done with this scene, please end it.
0:51 Kevin appears outside the basement hatch when Ambrosius leaves the basement and that pointless scene. Kevin talks different and has a smooth and silky voice. He’s all fake suave acting. Then: BOO! Then he turns into a 50 year old fag hag, aka Grace, and Ambrosius runs away. Wasn’t that use of gay black magic so tricky? No, it wasn’t.
00:53 Kevin is tossing and turning but then he’s weird dreams about skinny dipping with his boyfriend in a pool at an undisclosed location. They toss each other around naked in a sporty manner. Soft core pool sex happens.
00:55 Stupid children ghosts are saving Toby’s life from Ambrosius, who has become an ax murderer. We find out that Ambrosius killed the little children for no reason while he was imprisoned in the basement with his powers and they won’t leave unless he dies.
0:57 Flash to Kevin in the hospital. Kevin must know The Secret, because his thoughts save Toby from being killed by Ambrosius’ ax.
0:58 Cut to Corey, who finishes blowing some guy behind the Dante’s Cove tombstone at the front of the hostel/hotel. Now that he’s done with that, he immediately starts hitting on Ambrosius as he leaves the hotel. Jesus, Corey has the sexual habits of a meth addled prostitute.
01:00 Ambrosius picks up Corey after Corey offers to give him a back massage. Ew.
1:01 Upon entering, Corey remark, “Wicked pad dude… you into S and M or something?” Corey is such a clueless dog face. It’s obviously GAY BLACK MAGIC! I hope someone from The Eagle who IS actually into S and M finds him and kills him for a home made snuff film.
1:02 Ambrosius casts a spell on Corey with a book of Grimm’s Fairy Tales or something lying around his gay Bat Cave. Ambrosius makes a really ugly face and goes chasing after Corey who resisted his spell somehow. The laws of gay black magic are totes not consistent here. Corey is the first person to resist a spell. I assume his dog face saved him.
1:04 Corey finds Ambrosius’ grave while fleeing through the graveyard and books it back to the house. The fleeing is futile. Ambrosius uses gay black magic to teleport back to the hotel and captures Corey.
1:05 They teleport back to Ambrosius’ gay Bat Cave at the lighthouse. Ambrosius reveals he is into blood sports by cutting is stomach. Ew, this is so 60s pre-AIDS gay. He makes Corey lick the cut in his tummy and must gives instant full blown AIDS. Corey now looks like some weird vampire monster with facial wasting.
1:06 Back to the kids. All of them are having a boring brunch re-capping plot we already know.
1:07 Van and Toby are outside of a closed library looking for a new character named Olivia. Van takes out her keys and has a rainbow smiley face key chain. It’s these sort of production clues that remind us she’s a real lesbian.
1:08 AIDSey Corey somehow sneaks into the hospital and starts talking to Kevin about how he’s the chosen one. Also Corey tells lies how Toby is cheating on Kevin. Kevin makes a poopie face.
1:11 Kevin decides to leave The Cove but gets all confused by AIDSey Corey’s logic and stays.
1:12 AIDSey Corey goes to Toby’s bar on the beach. Corey says that Kevin was getting it on with some guy who works at the hospital. Ugly Toby threatens to press charges against the guy at the hospital, because that sort of behavior is against hospital regulations. It’s this type of irrational, butch behavior that must get ugly Toby all the hotties.
1:16 Corey leaves the bar. I just realize he’s wearing a leather sleeve less top. Jesus.
1:17 Olivia, who owns the office/library, arrives. What do they do in this office/library? There’s lots of maps and a broken doll. I think maybe this is a gay black magic office? Jesus, I hope so.
1:18 Flashback to boring conversation from Times of Yore between Grace and her mom. They’re talking about powers, but obvi boring powers because they are not gay powers.
1:20 Grace learns that her mother killed her father to increase her powers and pass them on to Grace. The mom explains, “Why does a black widow spider kill her mate after copulation?” EW! Copulation?!
1:21 So the Tresum witch women always kill the men after they take “their seed.” I dry heaved a little here. When did this become about breeders. PANIC!
1:22 Van is looking at books, in what looks like the interior of the Mercer Island Public Library.
1:23 They are reading about Tresum. It’s full of warlocks and witches according to the book. Duh.
All of the sudden a montage starts of magic and lighting is going off like crazy, with interlaced shots of Kevin having a wet dream or maybe just night sweats.
1:26 We find out that the homeless old lady ghost was Grace’s mother or something and in times of yore covered upe Ambrosius’ disappearance.
1:27 They see homeless lady ghost in the library. There is also TONS of lightning which excites me even though the scene sucks.
1:29 Van jumps to the conclusion that Kevin must be under a Tresum curse and that they can reverse it with the book they found in the Mercer Island Library.
1:31 They decide to break into the hospital. Corey’s rumor about Kevin totally didn’t have any bearing on the actual plot.
1:32 The sneak by the nurse. There’s TONS of lightning inside the hospital. Shouldn’t the island be battening down the hatches down for the Hurricane Francis that seems to be brewing outside?
1:33 They figure out for sure that Corey was trying to break them up with rumors and kiss and make up. Aw. At least it means no more poopie tantrum faces on Kevin’s part for a while. Smil, baby, smile!
1:34 Toby about the Tresum book: “It’s basically, like, the bible for this group of witches that used to live here in Dante’s Cove” Thanks for explaining it in Christian terms!
1:35 Van starts reciting a spell in Latin and there is a spell montage with children and fire. Rad!
1:36 The random spell seems to have worked. Kevin feels better — even though I’m not sure when he ever was declared sick in the first place. They go to the beach and drink Chateau Diana white wine product.
1:37 THEY HAVE HAD THE BEST SUMMER EVER, YOU GUYS! They are so BFF that Toby and Kevin start playing a weird bullfighting game on the beach. Either BFF or retarded drunk on the Chateau Diana. Ambrosius is looking on from the woods because he is jealous of their BFFness.
1:38 They are so plastered. Kevin and Toby fall asleep together on the beach. Van goes back to the house and is looking at pictures she took. Moon and water keeps getting repeated. A clue perhaps? This is just like Scoobie Doo!
1:40 There is still half a bottle of Chateau Diana left. Kids must be super light weights. Toby gets up and is looking for Van. Corey appears and a chase ensues. Ambrosius knocks Toby on the head with a rock and they throw him in the ocean. Toby and his eyebrows sink into the ocean and we hear more “moon and water, moon and water.”
1:42 Ambrosius is next to Kevin when he wakes up, and Kevin is totes shocked because he can’t remember what he did when he was drunk.
A montage with moon and water begins.
Grace/Grizabella breaks free from her bonds in the basement!
TOTAL CLIFFHANGER ENDING! I CAN’T WAIT FOR SEASON II!
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December 14th, 2007 at 9:58 am
i love you.
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