So my bestie Erin and I had the greatest experience of a lifetime yesterday. The kind that you know you’ll never be able to beat, even if you win the lottery and gain the abilties to fly and teleport. I’ll just let her introduce it. Take it away, Erin:

After 5 p.m. my job gets really boring. I tend to sit at my desk and refresh my Facebook mini feed for the two hours that follow, while cleaning my nails with an industrial paperclip. What’s that! There’s something in my inbox!

“I work with whitney port on the hills and she spoke very highly of you. Wanted to get in touch if you are still livinng in NY. Please call. [number redacted]. thanks Adam DiVello”

What?! This can’t be real! I love Whitney Port! Yet, it is a love that can only exist when people do not actually know Whitney Port, and her sweet, sing-songy, slightly nasal tone when she says, “It’s really hard work here but prolly you could get an intership or something.” God Bless Whitney Port.

This was very exciting to me when I received her gchat about it. Erin prefaced the message by mentioning the Facebook message was her “favorite Facebook spam message of all time.” Since a phone number was attached I offered to call it and see what the deal was, expecting to get a machine advertising penis enlarging snake oil that can provide pure sensual delight for my lassie and make me a new age pleasure machine. Surprisingly someone actually picked up. The following conversation is per my memory:

“Hello.”
“Hello, is Adam Divello there?”
“This is he. Who is this?”
“Hi Adam, my name is Colin. I represent Erin Williams who received a Facebook message today that mentioned that…”
“Whoops, hold on one second, I just spilled all over my desk…”
“No Problem”

[long long pause... I begin to speculate that someone hung up on me]

“Back. Sorry. What was this about?”
“Hi. I was calling on behalf of Ms. Williams who received a Facebook message today saying that you work with Whitney Port of The Hills and that she spoke highly of Ms. Williams and that you’d like to get in touch. Can I ask what this is was concerning?”
“Yes. We shoot a lot in New York and we decided to look up some of Whitney’s old friends but couldn’t find Erin’s contact info anywhere. We looked her up on Facebook and Whitney identified her and said she must have cut her hair.”
“Was there any reason in particular you needed to contact her?”
“No, we’re just trying to round up all of Whitney’s New York friends.”
“Ok. I’ll have Ms. Williams contact you directly once I explain this to her.”
“Please do. I promise you this is legit. If you can have her call me today that would be great.”

I’ll let Erin tell the rest:

When I got home later, I knew I had to call Adam. What if Whitney thinks her NYC bestie has abandoned her? I had to set the record straight: Me and Whitney Port are only besties in my Monday Night Dreams. (She picks out really nice baggy mini dresses for me and we drink Pellegrino out of straws because you burn more calories that way. In my dreams).

I dialed the number.

“Adam Divello’s office”
“Hi? This is Erin Williams?
“OH! Adam has been expecting your call. I’ll put you through right away.”

(Adam answers)

“Adam Divello”
“Hi? This is Erin Williams?”
“Oh hi! Whitney’s friend. We wanted to set something up in New York. I know I spoke to your friend earlier in the day…”
“He he. Right. Yeah. I thought this was a joke.”
“Um?”
“Yeah, um. So he called. As a joke. The thing is. I don’t know Whitney Port. Like at all.”
“But she was sitting here with me. She pointed you out on Facebook. She said you must’ve cut your hair.”
“I don’t know Whitney Port? I don’t think? Well, maybe I…”
“That’s so strange.”
“I mean, I love Whitney Port on The Hills. I can hang out with Whitney Port. I mean, Can I hang out with Whitney Port?”
“No.”
“Ok.”
“Sorry about the mix up.”
“Um.”

Perhaps I have preemptively destroyed the highlight of season 5 million. An intimate gathering of Whitney’s closest New York besties falls flat when the girl Whitney identified as her #4 bestie shows up and is not Whitney’s bestie at all, but a very tall, slightly greasy poser, accompanied by 14 homosexuals. Whitney’s response? “This is like, so weird.”

Yes. Yes it is.

Mostly I’m a little sad that Erin didn’t lie and get us on The Hills. Considering that the one time I took a “Which Character on The Hills” are you quiz, I was pegged as Audrina, the possibley retarded one, this is maybe a blessing in disguise.

7 Responses to “I Can Haz Besties with Whitney Port”

1. paul Says:
   June 14th, 2008 at 11:45 am

   that is the most amazing thing, it’s like manna from heaven.

   [reply this comment]

   record straight reply on September 8, 2008:

   silly people. she was obviously mistaken about who you are. whitney is friends with erin williams, cliff williams’ daughter. just thought i’d set the record straight.

   paul reply on September 8, 2008:

   whover you are, you are retarded and your sense for humor’s as flat as a 3-day old bottle of Lurisia.

2. Andi Says:
   June 18th, 2008 at 7:41 pm

   LOL!

   [reply this comment]

3. record straight Says:
   September 11th, 2008 at 10:51 am

   wow. nice comeback. get a life…

   [reply this comment]

   Hah. reply on December 30, 2008:

   Hey RS, Thanks a BAzillion for setting the record straight!! Youre dumb.

   -Person with a sense humor

4. jeff Says:
   April 18th, 2009 at 2:55 pm

   please call me 503-544-7758

   [reply this comment]

Say Something