Posted on November 27th, 2007 by Colin
For those unfamiliar with gay television or the advertisements plastered all over the 8th Avenue subway station, Dante’s Cove is perhaps the crappiest, most low budget show to elicit a variety of responses from it’s audience. Intrigued by it’s premise of gay wizards and supernatural gays on the beach, myself and friends, Freems and Marcelle, decided to sit down and brave this exercise in bad taste to see just what it was all about.
Dante’s Cove — Season 1 — Episode 1: The Beginning
00:01: It opens in the past with witches in salem? WTF? I thought this was about gay wizard boys on the beach having sex with each other. Not Lifetime’s special presentation for halloween. Weird straight wizard marriage is being discussed. Boring!
00:04: AAAAAAAANNNND… immediately into the gay sex with his butler once the girl leaves. Freems: “Yeah! Suck his dick!”
00:07: Ummm… where are the condoms in this sex scene? Shouldn’t here! network be promoting safer sex? I’ll forgive them for now because it’s supposed to be like… the 1800s or Time Of Olde Yore or whatever. Also: Butler has a huge penis.
00:12: Woman chains him up for having gay sex behind her back when they were supposed to get married. I’m pretty confused, because about six minutes ago he was REALLY into marrying her and now is saying he hates her. Emotional character arcs apparently are not a necessity when you’re a wizard in Dante’s Cove.
00:14: She casts a spell that can only be broken by “the kiss of a young man.” I don’t understand why this will be difficult for him. He may be kind of a butterface (”but her face,” get it, you guys!) but young guys are easy.
00:15: Oh, I get it. It’s because she’s turning him old and ugly that no one will kiss him. Except actually I still don’t get it because young guys are easy.
The intro starts up right after this. Lyrics:”Dying, dying to be with you.” Who writes this? Remind me to ask them to write me a personal theme song that will play whenever my phone rings.
I’m seeing lots of gay black magic montages in the intro which gets me EXCITED!!!!
00:17: Cute-enough-for-TV or a 4am hook-up blonde dude is in cab, Kevin. Picks up his boyfriend, Toby. They both have one tone tank tops on. One black one white. Obviously these are Chelsea gays. His boyfriend has weird eyebrows. The cabbie, who totally the sort of guy you’d pick up at the eagle, is trying to watch them blow each other in the back seat. I hope this turns out to be like a Dennis Cooper novel where everyone’s gay and starts killing each other.
00:18: Wow. I’m supposed to think this dialogue is cute and establishes these boys’ true love? While eating sandwiches: “I looove tomatoes. I love YOUR tomatoes.”
00:20: I just learned that both of these guys LOVE going to the gym. Big surprise. Except not.
00:21: Why are they in towels all of a sudden? Weren’t they just on the beach oiling each other up? Oh! It must be for a gratuitous sex scene! Again where the hell are the condoms? These are modern times now, and, here!, you need to get with it and promote healthy living for your viewers. ok, here! newtwork?
00:23: Toby’s not cute at all. God, he has bad hair.
00:25: They’re fighting about how Kevin won’t come out. How old is he supposed to be? 12? he’s still living with his parents? Flash to the parents: Dad: “He’s screwing around wth that boy again.” Mom: “I don’t know what to believe anymore.” Me: “I don’t believe I care anymore.”
00:28: Kevin runs away while another stupid song plays. Something about being alone. Where can I get this soundtrack. It’s totes brillz, considering it must have been written by someone with Down’s syndrome.
00:32: Kevin and Toby meet and start doing it on the beach… when did the “make up” happen? OH! It happened in between scenes so that we can have more time for gratuitous sex.
00:40: Kevin gets bitch smacked by his dad. Responds: “I’m gonna live with Toby in Dante’s cove,” and runs off. His emotional maturity obviously makes him the true hero of the series.
00:41: Kevin has weird black magic dreams because was reading Dante’s Inferno and fell asleep with it on his face. When is the gay black magic actually going to happen? The montages are such a cock tease.
00:44: Kevin meets Toby’s friend Corey. He’s all oiled up because that’s how they do in Dante’s Cove. Corey: “You’re in good company here, bro.” We can tell he’s supposed to be a “straight acting” gay because he uses the word “bro” a lot when he speaks. The meet another greased up guy, Adam. New oiled up guy is straight? What? The now the weird bro-gay is all talking about how he wants to bone a girl. This is totally confusing. I’m too old to understand this free love generation of Dante’s Cove.
00:49: God damn, Toby is ugly.
00:50: Toby sees weird, unexplained old-witch-ghost-character. I think she’s been written in for random creepiness. There hasn’t been any sex for a while. I need either sex or gay black magic to happen now or else this DVD getting turned off.
00:51: Spoke too soon. Kevin and Toby starts doing it with in the shower.
00:54: Kevin and Toby have kind of strange slow butt sex. Extended soft core gay is really weird and kind of creepy to watch. Probably the freakiest thing about the series so far.
00:58: Morning at breakfast Toby tries to crack a joke about a lesbian named Van’s badly made coffee. Toby:”This is nasty, I have to brush my teeth after this.” Everyone laughs. Ummm… not a joke because it’s not funny. To live in Dante’s Cove you must need a stunted sense of humor.
01:00: Kevin starts crying about coming out! TEARS!!! YES!! Let’s get the cry count up in here!
01:01: All the lesbians in this are total lipstick lesbians. These lesbians are def not dyke-a-licious enough for my tastes.
01:02: Corey is wearing an amazing tank top made out of tiny gold chains that showcase his nipples. He totes got it from the International Male catalogue.
01:03: Lipstick lesbians start dancing all sexy. The blond DJ she’s dancing with has AWFUL eyeshadow. Totes Tammy Faye (RIP, sistah!). All the are couples are wearing complimentary white and black. Whoa, like a yin yang. Deep, Dante’s Cove, deep.
Marcelle thinks lesbian Van’s girlfriend is the prostitute from Mulholland Drive in the limo. I didn’t believe him. But he was right. Damn you IMDB.
01:07: Is think all the music in the show might be written by a bad Savage Garden cover band.
01:09: Kevin decides to go back to the basement because he hears voices in his head and wanders down in the glowing hatch. It makes sense, because whenever I see a glowing hatch in a basement, the first thing I want to do is go inside. I really relate to his character at this point.
01:11: FINALLY GAY WIZARDS. The old man version of the wizard from the beginning rapes Kevin with a kiss. Then he turns into the wizard from the beginning. Then puts his blood in his hair…. after he cuts Kevin himself. Huh? At least gay wizardry finally happening! After an hour. Jesus. The small cut puts Kevin in the hospital because he’s totally a weak pussy faggot.
01:15: The unexplained old-woman-ghost gives ugly Toby a picture of the wizard, which he promptly tosses in the trash. Was this scene supposed to move the plot forward? Because it didn’t.
01:17: Some shit happens in the hospital. Where’s the gay black magic? Please bring it back.
01:21: I just realized the gay wizard and the sheep dog in the movie Labyrinth have the same name. Ambrosius. Dance, magic, dance!
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November 28th, 2007 at 3:06 pm
more of this! best thing by far on gmsc.
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