My colon has billions of little friends. This is because I am really into probiotics (prō-bī-ˈä-tiks) recently. Probiotics are little tiny bacteria friends that reside in your digestion system and colon give you super powers. Like the power to shoot magic beams of rainbow power from your eyeballs and make any boy fall instantly in love with you. The more little friends your colon has, the more powerful you become.

One if the most powerful probiotics is a drinkable yogurt called kefir (ke-ˈfir). Kefir is so powerful because it comes from the tits of unicorns.

While this is maybe the most powerful of the probiotics, there is one other.

The second most powerful probiotic is kombucha (käm-’bü-sh&). This comes from the water that a weird symbiotic plant made up from mold, fungus, and bacteria lives in. It’s basically made up of Slimer from Ghostbusters, but tastes like vinegar instead of semen. Because Slimer totes tastes like semen, unlike kombucha.

I want a kombucha plant. The problem is that I live with a dog, an adorable pooch named Liam. The problem is, that dogs love to eat random things they find. And the powers Liam might gain could be totally awesome and fearsome, should he devour an entire kombucha.

I imagine the scene would play out as follows:

I arrived home to find the door unlocked. The power was out in the apartment and lighting flashed in the background. I checked on the precious kombucha, only to find it missing and the bowl empty. Tiny gnaw marks could be found on the bowl. Fear began to sink into my soul.

Suddenly two small glowing eyes peered at me from the darkness. The head of the beast peered forward.

Beast: If you come any closer I will rip you to shreds.

Me: Who are you?

Beast: I am G’mork. And you, whoever you are, can have the honor of being my last victim.

Me: I will not die easily. I am a warrior.

Beast: (The beast laughs.) Brave warrior, then fight the nothing.

Me: But I can’t ! I can’t get beyond the boundaries of Fantasia.

(The Beast Laughs)

Me: What’s so funny about that ?

Beast: Fantasia has no boundaries.

Me: That’s not true. You’re lying.

Beast: Foolish boy. Don’t you know anything about Fantasia? It’s the world of human fantasy. Every part ,every creature of it, is a piece of the dreams and hopes of mankind. Therefor, it has no boundaries.

Me: But why is Fantasia dying then ?

Beast: Because people have begun to loose their hopes and forget their dreams. So the nothing grows stronger.

Me: What is the nothing ?!

Beast: It’s the emptiness that’s left. It’s like a despair, destroying this world. And I have been trying to help it.

Me: But why ?

Beast: Because people who have no hopes are easy to control. And whoever has control has the power.

Me: Who are you really ?

Beast: I am the servant of the power behind the nothing. I was sent to kill the only one who could have stopped the nothing. I lost him in the Swamps of Sadness. His name was Atreyu.

Me: If we’re about to die anyway, I’d rather die fighting. Come for me G’mork ! I am Atreyu!

One Response to “I Have The Most Popular Colon”

1. kevin Says:
   December 19th, 2007 at 5:21 pm

   BTW, Seattle Children’s Theater is now doing a production of “The Neverending Story”.

   [reply this comment]

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