Posted on May 23rd, 2008 by Colin
I have a friend. We’ll call him Marlie Cholsky to prtect his identity. If you’re like Harriet The Spy and want to know who this is, you can figure it out as he sometimes comments on this blog.
Well Marlie Cholsky had a european friend named Marcello (pronounced Mar-chell-o, because he’s euro, duh). Well, Cholsky and his girl friends were wondering if Marcello was gay or just European. It’s hard to tell. He sometimes talked about girls, and sometimes he talked about guys, and basically was a whole mess of sexual confusion to us Americans who need boundaries and labels in order to get our flirt on. One day, Cholsky receives a message, “I was wondering if you and your friends would like to go to brrrrrrrrrrunch?”
This sealed the deal. Marcello obviously loved men. Because only a homo would would invite a group of friends to brunch in advance and role all the r’s in the word with such ease and familiarity.
And in honor of memorial day, I thought I’d share an easy recipe for eggs benedict so that you can have all your faggy friends over or just make something for that special trick you woke up with.
(my recipe includes avocado, unlike the picture above)
Ingrediants:
2 whole english muffins
4 eggs
3 egg yolks
1/2 stick butter
1/2 cup olive oil
8 onces sliced lox
1 avocado
1 lemon or a 1/2 teaspoon store-bought lemon juice
1 cup white vinegar
Salt and (fresh) pepper to taste
I’m only going to describe how to make two servings here. It’s super easy.
First get a large cast iron pan that can hold around 3 inches of water. Bring to a full boil and add the white vinegar. Raising the PH in the water will help the egg to hold its shape so it doesn’t end up looking like that cum splatter stain on your sheets, you pig.
While you are waiting for the water to boil (you have about fifteen minutes), cut the english muffins in half and pop them in the toaster and put it on the light setting. You don’t want your friends/lover/hooker to be biting into a rock hard biscuit and lose a tooth over this meal. Plus it will soak up the delicious sauce you are about to make. Put two halves of the english muffin on each plate.
Slice your avocado thinly. The technique for doing this is too hard to type, so here’s a YouTube video to teach you. Place the slices on the english muffin, followed by the lox on top.
To make the hollandaise sauce, put the half a stick of butter in the microwave for about 15 seconds. This will lightly melt the butter. Stir the butter around until it is just about melted entirely and then add the half cup of olive oil. Combine the 3 egg yolks in a small mixing boil and SLOWLY whisk the oil into the eggs, using just a small drizzle of the room temperature oil at a time. After you have a nice emulsification you can start pouring the oil faster. When this is completed, squeeze in have a lemon, and if you’re feeling frisky, grate some of the zest into the sauce. Add salt to taste. I know this isn’t the canonical way to make hollandaise, but it’s way faster and no one will taste the difference as long as you keep the oil close to room temperature from the get go.
By this time your water should be boiling. Bring down the heat to a simmer (you should still see some light bubbling) and crack one egg at a time into the steamy pot. Let the eggs sit for around 3 minutes and then pick up one at a time with a slotted spoon to place directly on your english muffin towers of avocado and lox.
Pour a liberal helping of hollandaise on top of each egg and muffin dealie. Lastly grind some black pepper on top to taste.
Enjoy! You are soon to become someone’s best friend/sexy time buddy/customer!
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May 24th, 2008 at 7:21 am
as an alternative…
poach eggs for 15-20 minutes
incorporate oil and butter (for hollandaise) all at once
and use canned farmed salmon chunks in water
…if you never want to see this person again, but you’re not quite sure how to say:
“i slept with your brother! i liked it!”
or
“i’m not even gay! i’m just Frrranch!!!”
EWWWWW FARMED SALMON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[reply this comment]
Fist Patrick reply on May 24, 2008:
Farmed salmon is almost a cardinal sin. Especially the canned stuff. There’s a word for it and it’s called “chum”
May 24th, 2008 at 11:13 am
Just about all lox you buy these days is from farmed Atlantic Salmon, whether it’s purchased on the East or West Coasts. It’s a rare find indeed if you’re able to find lox prepared from wild salmon stock. Try to buy wild if you can!
[reply this comment]
Fist Patrick reply on May 24, 2008:
There’s almost always a wild option here in NYC. We eat a lot of lox. ACME smoking company has a particularly good wild alaskan cold smoked salmon.
May 27th, 2008 at 9:43 pm
OMG. What happened to the delightful California-Hollandaise-sitting-under-a-hummingbird-nest version WE did TOGETHER with a blender?!?!?! OMG people, really easy hollandaise blender-style. For the lazy fatties.
[reply this comment]
Fist Patrick reply on May 28, 2008:
I don’t have a fancy cuisineart like you do. Needless to say this recipe came from that hummingbird filled occasion. I did it with olive oil instead of pure butter at a later time and it was a little lighter, so I kind of liked it better.
C-Fran reply on May 29, 2008:
What can I say, I’m a fattie. Besides, that’s not my Cuisinart. It belongs to my married sibling-roommate. That’s why people get married you know, for the swank gifts.
Long Live Butter!