Posted on January 4th, 2008 by Elliott
After mainlining a standing rib roast and chasing it with 2 gallons of spiked eggnog at Christmas, I realized that perhaps I had put on a pound or two. When I unhinged my jaw to swallow a tray of pancetta-leek-goat cheese tartletts, I knew it was time to drag my FUPA to a full-length mirror. This is what I saw:
After fainting and being revived with smelling salts, I made a promise to myself: that I would lose that weight, and get my groove back. Problem is, I have no patience. I’m not waiting months to drop some weight. I want results now. So I asked myself: what would Beyonce do?
The clear answer: The Master Cleanser.
Remember when Beyonce dropped 20 pounds to be all svelte in Dreamgirls? She did it with the Master Cleanser, which, for the uninitiated, is basically a fast. You eat nothing for two weeks. Instead of eating, you subsist completely on a concoction of water, fresh-squeezed lemons, cayenne pepper, and maple syrup. Every night you also drink a special laxative tea (called Smooth Move!) and in the morning do a salt water flush, where you drink a quart of salt water. Basically, you just shit all the time.
Today is my first day on the cleanse. So far, so good. It’s now almost 1 pm and I haven’t eaten since around 7 last night. No big deal yet. We’ll see how it goes.
I’ll continue to you posted each day. Light a prayer candle and crank up that fry daddy for me.
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January 6th, 2008 at 5:51 pm
That shit will fuck. you. up.
Seriously, I’ve seen others do it and instantly be named Mayor of Diahrrea City.
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January 8th, 2008 at 5:16 pm
Elliott -
Listen to Vagenius!! The Master Cleanser regimen will do serious damage to all those helpful bacteria in your colon that Fist Patrick talked about just recently on this blog and seriously disrupt your alimentary canal ecology for months to come.
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January 9th, 2008 at 7:03 am
But you’re also eliminating all the bad bacteria. By taking probiotics after the cleanse, you can easily restore all those helpful bacteria.
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kevin reply on January 9, 2008:
That’s somewhat similar to the logic used in the carpet bombing and defoliation of Vietnam - we would simply build it back up after we destroyed it and we all know how well that plan worked.
Elliott reply on January 9, 2008:
My colon is NOT Vietnam. I resent the implication.