No Fatties Balls in the City

Posted on May 30th, 2008 by Eeez

In honor of the soon-to-be-released Sex in the City movie and this seemingly food themed week at GMSC, I decided to make myself some Balls for lunch. Here are just a few of the reasons:

  • Things that come in pairs! (Carrie and Big? Meant to be!)
  • Steve only has one (Salut!)
  • Because I’m 100% sure Josh & Josh and their SATC obsessions have no clue how to cook Balls for lunch, let alone eat balls, although maybe I take that back.
  • Regardless, something about that movie, a gentle May spring breeze, and GMSC has inspired me to feast upon a pair of balls. Look!

Rice Balls

Now, allow me to teach you!

Last night for dinner, I made a batch of risotto with bacon, asparagus, and green garlic; all stuff I picked up at the farmer’s market in Prospect Park last Saturday. Because I eat such small portions to maintain my fabulous waistline, obvi there were leftovers I could later fry into balls to destroy my fabulous waistline.

This is how we do it:

1 Egg
3 tablespoons of Flour
10 Crackaz
2 tablespoons Parmesean cheese (note this recipe does NOT call for “parmesan,” an abomination)
3 tablespoons Extra Virgin Olive Oil (balls and virgins just go together)
3 two inch patties of leftover Risotto (make the risotto into balls lovingly, with your hands)
Salt and Pepper

Now, you will need to employ the wet hand/dry hand technique you have already studied, here.

Add the flour to a large piece of wax paper and season it generously with salt and pepper. This is ball station #1.

Crack the egg into a shallow bowl or plate and whisk with a fork. Set this aside as ball station #2. (See how simple it is?)

For the final station, crumble the crackers into the Parmesean cheese on some more waxed paper until they’re all fucked up together, like that episode of SATC where Charlotte names her vagina Rebecca and Trey names his dick Schooner, and then Charlotte says something about riding around naked on a horse until Trey rescues her and puts his, “Schooner deep into [her] Rebecca.”

Dip each risotto ball first into the flour, shaking off the excess. Then dip in the egg (wet hand!) and then, finally, into the cracka/cheese/SATC metaphor (on so many levels).

Pan fry in olive oil on low-ish heat until they are crispy on both sides, turning once (about 8-10 minutes).

Enjoy your balls! Serve with warm vodka and heaping pile of nausea. You go girls!

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