Just because I like dick doesn’t mean I don’t know a thing or two about homosexual women.  Sure, all we really share in common is mass persecution, but that doesn’t mean I can’t put my feelers out there.  In fact, I’ve lived in Park Slope - one of the lezziest neighborhoods in New York and the United States - for three years!  In my neighborhood, 3/4 of the guys I check out almost always turn out to be well-groomed dykes (to whom I tip my hat).  We’re both into dogs, the outdoors, and lumberjack shirts, so - yeahhh - I think I can say a thing or two about the gals.

So let us raise a glass and salute some awesome ladies of ‘the L word’ variety. After the jump, my top five fave ladies who love ladies.

Jane Lynch - At, like, seven feet tall, Jane Lynch has never backed away from the stigma attached to suspiciously tall, imposing, spiky-haired women in Hollywood. She holds her own against the brightest improvisers in the Christopher Guest canon, energized The 40-Year-Old Virgin with her character’s adoration of bearded bard Michael McDonald, and always gives a damn good interview.  Be our awesome aunt, Jane!   Jane + Rihanna 4EVA!!! (Apparently, Jane played a pop singer in a children’s movie, and someone went online to do a mash-up).

Susan Powter - Remember the crazybird infomercial queen of the early nineties screamed at you about losing weight and “stopping the insanity” while wearing a billowy silk red blouse and giant black pants, as if she were about to fill in for Arsenio Hall?  That was Susan Powter, Diet Guru, who has since become Susan Powter, Radical Feminist Diesel Dyke With A Digital Camcorder And Vaguely British Accent.  We love the new, improved, extra mentally ill Susan Powter (so much so that we already wrote about her elsewhere), and every single video blog post she uploads, in which she literally talks nonsense.  Essentially Susan Powter’s online presence is Rosie’s [brilliant] haikus, but on a very self-serious cocaine high in which she begins filming mid-sentence, manages to never look into the camera, and single-handedly devours a popsicle like a mountain lion gnawing carcass.  With her pink dreadlocks, gallerist jewelry, and ambitious attempt to use sophisticated vocabulary (it’s not working, but keep trying!!!), this may only be the beginning of “the insanity” (or so we hope).

Michelle Rodriguez - True, she was one of the worst things to ever happen to Lost, but that only made the offing of Michelle Rodriguez’s character, Ana Lucia, even more rewarding to those extremely vocal fans (::raises hand::) who couldn’t bear to see her in another black tank top, grunting her way through a rough sophomore season.  Michelle Rodriguez is so bonkers that she chose incarceration to community service after being charged with DUI (which, apparently, was a blessing in disguise).  Allegedly, she also “dated” Vin Diesel, which we assume makes her a top.  But most recently, Rodriguez made the papers for loudly threatening to withhold a sex toy from her lady-roommate in a Florida hotel.  Plus, anyone who claims being allergic to “cockroach resin” is my hero[ine].

Judy Gold - As a “downtown comic” (I know, gross), I am forever blunt about the stark differences between “club comedy” and “alternative comedy” (and my strong preference for the latter).  But Judy Gold, a traditional “club” comic, giant lesbo, and former writer for Rosie O’Donnell (koosh jokes, anyone?) is an exception.  Theoretically, those three items are reason alone as to why I should hold zero interest in her, but Judy is a marvel.  She is the penultimate New York Jew who can talk a mile a minute about material that, while not necessarily groundbreaking - sinus infections, politics, and her overbearing mother - is effortlessly captivating.  Maybe it’s because she’s so likable or maybe it’s because she can maintain a “gay mainstream” following while subversively calling out dykes for all being nauseatingly P.C.-crazed “social workers,” but whatever the reason, we’ll gladly fork over an unreasonable amount of cash to hear Judy play saved messages from her answering machine.

Robin Roberts - While Robin Roberts isn’t out of the closet, she doesn’t have wiggle room left in there, either.  From 1990 to 2005, Roberts spent time on ESPN and ABC, wearing power suits and talking sports.  And until she was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2007 (sad face), she sported the penultimate “accessible closeted TV personality” ‘do, a la Gayle King.  You don’t necessarily need to have performed cunnilingus in the storage room of Home Depot to spot a lesbian from a mile away, especially when someone like Robin Roberts, in trying to maintain a fervently asexual image, provides daily morsels of on-air awkwardness (which - to be fair - isn’t difficult when your co-anchors include pillow-lipped Diane Sawyer and hot dad Chris Cuomo).   And if that didn’t give it away, just try to not imagine Sam Champion excitedly spilling make-up tips to an already-uncomfortable Robin during her foray into couture.

GMSC Contributing Editor Vagenius also blogs at Urlesque, Buzzfeed, and The Apiary.  He is the site’s resident almost-lesbian.

One Response to “My Top Five Favorite Lesbians”

1. Josh Says:
   October 20th, 2008 at 11:41 am

   This is a pretty good list, but I miss Judy Gold’s 1980’s Betty Boop-ish spit curl though.

   Also, I’m FOREVER mistaking hip dykes for cute fags. Thanks for nothing, Williamsburg!

   [reply this comment]

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