Posted on November 28th, 2007 by Elliott
Because it’s getting to be that time of year, I’m providing a helpful list of things that you can get me for Christmas. Those who do not oblige will be swiftly deleted from my Myspace and subject to years of ding-dong ditch.
You probably want to print this out.
10. CROCHET UGG BOOTS.
These are one of Oprah’s favorite things. And if I can’t be Oprah, I can at least pretend I am by feverishly obtaining all of her favorite things and wearing/using them all at once while dressed in blackface and crying out for Gayle King’s gentle embrace.
9. KOPI LUWAK COFFEE.
I’m tired of drinking coffee that I’ve had to digest entirely on my own. Which is why I’m asking for Kopi Luwak coffee, which is made from beans passed through the digestive system of civets. Who else do you know who drinks stuff that’s been shat out of a monkey? That’s what I thought, you filthy plebeians.
8. A SUBSCRIPTION TO GARDEN AND GUN MAGAZINE.
Because gardens and guns belong together, like buckteeth and Chinamen. According to their website, “Garden & Gun is led by an eclectic group of individuals with a unique combination of publishing excellence, creative imagination, and a passion for the Southern lifestyle.” A passion for the Southern lifestyle? Or a passion for bourbon and masturbating to photos of androgynous models in jodhpurs while caressing a twelve gauge? I’m not sure, but either way, sign me up!
7. A WEAVE.
‘Nuff said:
6. A GUIDE PONY.
God, you blind people are so fucking lucky. You get to have a fucking guide pony:
Not only does this mean he gets to bring a fucking pony on a plane, he also gets to dress it up in little tiny pony sneakers! I will poke out my own eyes if it means getting a guide pony.
5. A HAITIAN SLAVE GIRL.
Well, someone has to clean up after the pony. What? Don’t give me that look. It’s not like I asked for a white slave girl. Besides, we’ve all seen that episode of Law and Order: SVU where the rich ladies on the UWS were buying black slave girls to clean their townhouses, so it’s totally possible to get one.
4. A GIRDLE.
Because I can only purge so many times a day. And look at the results:
If a girdle can restrain this woman’s mons pubis enough to make it look like her mons isn’t trying to devour her thighs, surely it can work wonders for me! Ideally, I’d look so thin my hips would stick out like a couple of handlebars.
3. A MONOCLE.
Because everyone looks smart wearing a monocle. Just look at Mr. Peanut:
Look how dashing and debonair he looks in his monocle. And he’s a fucking peanut. So just imagine what it would do for a human - someone who has an actual eye to place the monocle on, as opposed to one of those fake, glued-on googly eyes.
2. MY OWN SHANTYTOWN.
Just because, really. Who wouldn’t want their own shantytown? Then I could go around saying “I have my own shantytown. Do you? No? Oh. I’m sorry. This must be woefully embarrassing for you, what with me having my own shantytown and you having none.”
1. LINDSAY LOHAN’S PHONE NUMBER.
Because I know, in my heart of hearts, that if I could just get her on the phone we would be BFF in, like, two seconds. That’s all it would take, because really we’re the same person. And she would say that. She would say, “OMG, Elliott. Why have we never met before? We are SO alike. Sometimes I cry, too. Let’s go mainline a bottle of vodka and you can do coke off my tits.” Huzzah!
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November 29th, 2007 at 8:20 am
you may also want to ask for shoes for your guide pony:
http://www.guidehorse.org/horse_sneakers.htm
or maybe that is on their list…
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November 29th, 2007 at 2:00 pm
OMG!
I already know what I’m going to get you. It’s a framed photo of a much blogged-about raccoon.
http://www.microsoft.com/library/media/1033/windowsxp/images/expertzone/columns/northrup/add-blog-entry.jpg
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December 4th, 2007 at 3:45 pm
Civets are not monkeys, nor do they remotely resemble monkeys. They’re more like cats, and in fact are sometimes called “civet cats,” but are not technically cats either.
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Elliott reply on December 5, 2007:
You must be one of those Holocaust revisionists as well. Civets aren’t monkeys, the Holocaust never happened, etc. etc.
Well, I have news for you, you book-burning Nazi: I am never wrong. History will prove this.
December 4th, 2007 at 5:16 pm
Right you are, So OFFENDED. They are in the Order Carnivora and the family Viverridae which also includes genets and mongooses. Viverrids are usually small, fairly short-legged carnivores and like members of the Mustelidae family they have well-developed scent glands (think musk).
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December 6th, 2007 at 7:25 am
Whoa, Elliott, why such hostility directed at zoologists? If by history you mean the evolutionary record, the train left the station on this over 30 million years ago. Even the most addle-brained taxonomist would tell you that you are, “Wrong, wrong, wrong!”
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Elliott reply on December 6, 2007:
Zoologists killed my father.
Evolution? Oh, so we’re all descended from these civet-monkeys, are we? Well, I for one am a man, not a monkey - as evidenced in my restraint from poo-flinging.
December 6th, 2007 at 5:58 pm
So sorry about your father, Elliott. Must have been one of those serial-killer zoologist gone wrong types. The fact that you had to restrain yourself from poo-flinging kind of proves my point about evolution, though. There’s a vestigial poo-flinging gene in you somewhere that’s just waiting to get switched on by your epigenome.
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