Neither Colin nor I know much about this lady aside from the fact that her name is Patti Stanger, and she is the star of a reality show called Millionaire Matchmaker, now in its second season on Bravo.  So good for her or whatever.  I guess that means she sets up rich dummies with other rich dummies as determined by her producers, who, under the network’s “brand” (as defined by overlord and awesome bi-atch Lauren Zalaznick), make sure to cast Stanger as Cupid for trashbags with deep pockets.

Fine.  Who cares?  As someone who watches a limited amount of TV (30 Rock, Battlestar Galactica, and Wheel of Fortune are eternally burned into my DVR queue, which should speak volumes about my taste) but gets paid to write about it, I should take an objective look at the show.

But I can’t.  Because Stanger, as Colin and I both effortlessly agree, is a monster cunt.

Ummm, Patti?  Let’s talk…

• First things first:  what do you actually look like?  I’m just curious because, if I’m not mistaken, you’re a burnt sienna-colored punching bag with a bad wig, craft-store googly eyes, and a robot anus for a mouth.

• Okay, you don’t know lesbians.  Let’s face it:  I don’t know lesbians, either, but referencing three iconic dykes as your go-to-gals is way too easy.  If you’re going to point out k.d. lang and Melissa Etheridge as America’s most visible lesbians, you might as well include Katy Perry (and be sure to call her something like “bi-curious” so as to remind us that your brain is made of marshmallows).  Do you know who Rachel Maddow is?  She’s on the TV, too!(P.S. women leaving men for women isn’t a “big phenomenon happening right now.”  It’s always been …something that exists (?), but you were probably too busy dyeing your pubes Midnight Champagne to notice.)

• Thanks for pointing out that gays and lesbians aren’t treated fairly.  By all means, if people are going to listen to anyone about fighting for equal rights, it’s you, Patti Stanger, the star of a reality show about people who date other people based solely on their stock portfolio.  You’re the class act who deserves to cry about society’s ills juuuust before you stick your finger in your other fist to demonstrate how gay men fuck.  (Dicks in butts, dicks in butts!!!!1!!1!)

• Do gay men have more estrogen in their bodies?  If that’s the case, should I start preparing next year’s Vagina Monologue now?  (Dibs on The Angry Vagina!) I didn’t know you were a scientist, Patti Stanger!

• Linking gay men and straight women via a bond of “less testosterone” and the “emotional attachment” they experience from sex is dangerous territory.  I think Girlfriends is a fine show, too, but it’s not my life.

• I didn’t know what Oxytocin Bonding was until you said I was “supseptible” to it.  Also, “supseptible” is a word babies use when trying to say “susceptible.”

Why are you the worst?  Probably because you’ve gone and stuck your nose (or whatever’s left of it) somewhere it didn’t belong.

From a gay dude who barely understands his own homo brethren, I am warning you to stick to what you know:  romantically manipulating douchebags long enough that you may eventually get to pull residuals from syndication.  Leave us out of it.

Also, I’m a Jew from New York.  I know exactly what you look like under all that shit you’re wearing.  Nice try, yenta, but the “Jewish Suzanne Somers” motif is looking pretty meshugeneh.

[via Pink Navy]

One Response to “Patti Stanger Says I’m Not A Lesbian”

1. Tranny_babe Says:
   April 23rd, 2009 at 8:13 pm

   Patti;
   Come on, you’re a tranny. Fake long flat hair, FA man’s butt, and cellulite legs to boot.

   [reply this comment]

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