Posted on April 8th, 2008 by Colin
I bought an obscenely expensive pair of pants the other day. I went to Odin down in SoHo and found this pair of black jeans by Rag & Bone. If this suddenly makes me a fashion fag, feel free to shoot me. However, they fit me perfectly, are incredibly stiff and sturdy, and give me a little bit of a butt. They make me feel like this:
And by that picture I mean I feel totally studly. Obviously. I am going to be so fresh for spring.
While my pants were a perfect match, there was some unfortunate guy in front of me in the dressing room that kept having the same problem every pair he tried on.Each pair ended up sticking out at the pockets away from his hips. He also refused to try on any dark colors which might mask this flaw. This wouldn’t be too bad, except I was forced to sit in a chair waiting, looking at my own flawed self in the mirror the entire time. The whole process was extended by a lady clerk, trying to up-sell him every opportunity she got, whom he seemed to trust when it came to fashion consultation.
“It’s ok… I mean… I didn’t even notice the pockets sticking out until you told me.”
Yes you did, lady clerk, yes you did. You liar.
And here’s where I lost my patience and the rest of this entry becomes fictional.
“Give it up already!” I shouted, like a saucepan full of boiling milk, but in place of a saucepan was my mouth and the boiling milk was the my utmost exacerbation.
“You know what? All of those pants look FINE on you. Just buy them so that I can get into the dressing room and stop staring at myself.”
“Yeah,” he meekly responded, taken aback my manly outburst, “but the pockets kind of stick out… right?”
“You know what? You should be grateful pants can even fit you. There are people in this world who can’t even wear pants! People like Lakshmi Tatma!”
The lady clerk responded, rolling her eyes and snapping her gum, “Who’s that?”
“You know, I would just tell you to go home and Google it, because her story is so important that it is all over the Internet and you can find it just like that. People have left comments on blogs about her. Lucky for you though, I carry a picture of her in my wallet just so that I can show assholes like you why you should be happy you have two normal legs to wear any pants, much less expensive fashion pants like the ones you are trying on”
I whipped out the picture:
The boy’s eyes begin to bleed. “Ok!!! I’ll buy the pants. Go! Use the dressing room. I’m done at this store. Jesus am I glad to have normal legs.”
I walked in and tried on the most well fitted pair of pants I have ever put on my two legs. I whispered a prayer of thanks to Lakshmi, “Thank you Lakshmi. Your many, many legs and great misfortune have brought me one true moment of happiness.”
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April 9th, 2008 at 6:13 am
wow the arc of that was just like SVU. from pants to a special lil 8 legged victim. i laughed out loud.
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April 9th, 2008 at 7:41 am
Indeed - it took my breath away which is now pretty easy to do because I’m suffering from a temporary respiratory ailment.
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April 9th, 2008 at 7:46 am
By the way, do you think the Odin website could get any more precious and pretentious? There a rag merchant for Christsakes!
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April 9th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
Every time an Indian baby is born with 11 limbs, a homo finds an awesome pair of jeans.
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April 10th, 2008 at 5:37 am
Those jeans gave you a whole new career. According to the picture, you are now a 1st class boatswains mate in the USN.
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