Posted on December 7th, 2007 by Vagenius
Richard Gere had the gerbil-butt.
Rod Stewart had the cummy-tummy.
I now present to you, in gory detail, the newest, brightest, and most disturbing celebrity myth I’ve ever heard!
Last night, a friend (and wholly unreliable source), parlayed to me a rumor about the dearly departed Nell Carter that I will not soon shake from my memory.
Firstly, I should note that, as a child, I was obsessed with Carter and Gimme A Break. I remember absolutely nothing about the show, except that it was the first and last time in the history of American popular culture in which Carter, Rosie O’Donnell, Telma Hopkins, and Joey Lawrence all gathered for yet another project based on the hi-jinks of a sexless, hefty “mammy” figure.
Thus began a lifelong fascination with Nell Carter, and my later realization, that she was a closeted, obese diabetic coke addict, only added fuel to the fire (the “fire” being, of course, my dedication to weird, tragic figures because I’m a total A-hole).
So I don’t really do drugs (unless you consider Dimetapp a “drug” …or, like, angel dust or whatever). But I do know that cocaine can be ingested on the gums. And, apparently — as I was told last night — IN THE VAG.
Because, yes, NELL CARTER DID COKE THROUGH HER BIG BLACK PUSSY.
Not only that, but she did it so much that she her clit fell off.
As a gay male, the idea of ever bearing witness to a short, giant Black woman’s genitalia is basically equidistant to the prospect of riding a unicorn made of marshmallows in space.
Not gonna happen.
Nevertheless, the mental imagery of cocaine, Nell Carter’s V, and a discarded clitoris may forever keep me as far away as possible from Gimme A Break.
On a related note, I’ve recently become repulsed by sun-dried tomatoes.
Nell Carter
1934-2003
RSS Subscribe
Follow on Twitter
Facebook
December 7th, 2007 at 10:20 am
I think I dry heaved about 523 times while reading this. Thanks!
[reply this comment]
December 7th, 2007 at 1:30 pm
say what you want about nell carters hooha off the set, but on set, no way was she sexless.
she was hot holy shit — i remember her stuffed into some sequined gown during a later season dream sequence and boy she could sing — and lusting it up with Danny Glover in Season 1.
[reply this comment]
December 10th, 2007 at 6:51 pm
Dammit. I used to love sun dried tomatoes, coke and fat black pussy.
[reply this comment]
December 14th, 2007 at 3:37 pm
for all the sistas i am offended? for every Missy there’s a Tweet just juicin for some fat black cherry lovin.
[reply this comment]