Posted on January 14th, 2008 by Colin
I took a little trip to The Whitest Place on Earth (Greenwich, CT) this weekend on Sunday with some friends. We rented a Zip Car (Have you seen this car rental system, guys? I mean really… have you checked this out?) and drove up to go mansion spotting and look for a clam bake.
On the way we formed an emo band. Here’s the cover of our first album, titled “Emperor Palpatine.”
It’s about having a broken heart but then finding refuge in the solitude of nature. The splendor of the Connecticut skyline really speaks to that, but you’d know that unless you were an insensitive jerk who didn’t cry during Titanic or The Last Unicorn.
We shot some inserts to go with the album as well.
We have a couple hit singles coming soon, “My Tears Are Frozen” and “I Am Happy But Can’t Stop Weeping (Because I Am Recovering From Bell’s Palsy and My Body Can’t Tell The Difference Between The Signals Being Sent To My Salivary Glands And Tear Ducts).” We’re only releasing on vinyl though; it’s an eighty dollar box set.
We never found a clam bake. We ended up eating at a small oyster house called Elm Street Oyster House, after getting lost. The meal was unremarkable with the exemption of our total fox of a waiter, Bobby, who was clean cut, dressed well, and very, very WASPy looking. I always assume WASPy Conneticut guys are kind of like the male equivalent of Catholic schoolgirls, clean and upstanding in public but nasty pigs in bed.
Thank god for iPhones and Google maps or else we would have never found a decent New England seafood house. Apparently we found the only one in Greenwich because otherwise the town is full of upper class, white America’s favorite cuisine. Pan Asian.
A couple times we got close to getting lost and it was right when the iPhone was running out of batteries. And on that note, a short piece of fiction:
It was dark all around and the trees blotted out the moon. The gang and I had been on a day trip to look at the castles in the New England countryside and had somehow taken a wrong turn. It hadn’t seemed to bad. The neighborhood was nice and the houses were monstrous. Usually you don’t expect to find crime in these sorts of neighborhoods.
I had started to feel nervous as dusk approached and I noticed more and more children standing by the side of the road, thowing us menacing looks. All of these children had brown hair, blue eyes, and outfits from LL Bean. Since dusk however, we hadn’t seen a soul. Hell, we couldn’t even see beyond our headlights in this dark.
A small electronic blip rang from the back of the car where Charlie was navigating.
“Shit,” said Ben, ” The iPhone is running out of batteries. Quick , get a pen and write down the directions from the list on Google maps.”
“Too late. It’s just died,” Charlie replied, his voice quavering with hidden fear.
I tried to calm everyone down. “It’s fine. We’ll figure our way out of this. I remember the address was 11 Elm Street.”
“Are you sure it wasn’t West Elm Street.”
“Yeah.”
After 15 minutes, Michael started squirming. “You guys…. I really have to go to the bathroom. Can we pull over? I’ll just find a spot near on of these manicured hedges.”
Ben pulled the car over and Michael wandered into the thick blackness. After 15 minutes, we started to get nervous. After a half hour, we knew something had happened to him. That’s when we first heard a scratching at the window.
I can’t describe what peered up and into the car from the left front window. I can try. It was slimy, had a beak, blue eyes. It had a stinger on it’s butt and two clear wings, that may or may not have been vestigial, and was wearing a dress from Coldwater Creek. Michael’s shoe was in it’s mouth, and a tentacle clutched a severed hand.
Ben hit the gas and we never returned to Greenwich or spoke of that horrid night again.
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January 14th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
the dude on the left reminds me of this cunt i once shot in the face
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