I am having a boring day. So boring in fact that I am blogging on a weekend. But I did find something stimulating that just took up the last three hours of my time. Fort Troff (NOTE: DEFINATELY DEFINATELY DEFINATELY NSFW. Unless of course you work at a place like Nasty Pig. Don’t say I didn’t warn you). Prepare for your entire sense of reality to mealt into a pool of rubber, silicone, leather, and poppers.

Much like my experience when I discovered the “No Homo” internet meme, my first thoughts were , “Why haven’t I heard of this before? This has obviously been around a long time.” My next thoughts were, “I don’t think that can fit in a human ass.” And my next thought was, “I need to send this to a friend.”

I sent an email with the link to good friend Paul Sepuya (who was recently featured in BUTT Magazine, check out the new issue!) which resulted in a lengthy gChat (AIM is for geriatrics and technophobes) about my next thought which was, “Could I actually get into any of this?”

Our full conversation in it’s original, vapid instant message format after the jump. Oh… and after the jump is also NSFW, but you’d only need that warning if you’re a total prude.

me: yes, fort troff is soooooo weird
I just spent an hour looking at it
and wondering if I could get into any of it

Paul: there’s not a thing i could deal with
i mean, maybe the ass gspot vibrator or something

me: I dunno!

Paul: but that’s it. anything else im like GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY BEDROOM
but if some guy was like, let’s try that one thing, i wouldn’t freak out

me: like… if you were presented with the option and someone was like really into something and you were really into them?
like…. if you finally sleep with a guy and he wants to put on a dildo harness
what would I do?
or like… wants me to use the ASS PUMP on him
the ass pump weirds me out the most

Paul: oh god

me: it’s like a penis pump
but you put it on your anus

Paul: i got to the dildo arsenal these are FRIGHTENINGLY HUGE
whaaa?
ass pump?

me: yeah
I don’t understand how those can fit in a butt
but also I don’t understand fisting much
like… I’ve seen videos
but even then
I don’t believe my eyes

Paul: there’s something called the depth charge butt bomb
!!!!

me: OMG
I didn’t see that
what section is that in?

Paul: BUTT FUNNELS
SO YOU CAN POUR SHIT UP SOMEONE’S BUTT
OMG OMG OMG OMG
The Colon Snake is for experience ass pigs, who are ready to go to a whole new level of assplay. The Colon Snake can go where dicks, fists, and dildos only DREAM of going. Made of flexible rubber, the Colon Snake is designed to explore the inner depths of your pighole.
INSERTABLE LENGTH IS 35 INCHES!!!!

me: OMFG
OH MY GOD
yeah, mindblowing
like…. what if someone wanted me to do that to him?

Paul: id say its OVA

me: Like…. I assume no one would want to do it to someone else out of the blue. these things take practice

Paul: colin
they have inflatable dildos

me: they have EVERYTHING

Paul: scary
so scary

me: OMG
so you like put it in
and then inflate it?
to like… stretch everything out?

Paul: i guess so
too much to think about

me: ha
it might not be sooo bad
you get to ease into it

Paul: haha
“piggy lifestyle”
is hilarious to think about as a concept
you can get suspenders and they describe the color as “a nice pissy yellow”

me: I kind of want some

Paul: we should get the shirts

me: omg
I soooo would
where all those? all I can find is the sex toys
found it
at the end about the jacket!!!!
They write: Kewl dudes gotta have ‘em!
!!!!!!!!!!!!

Paul: so good

me: dskjfghkjsdbfgjklsdhjfbghjsbdfsghvbdfjkhgsdjkhfb
KEWL DUDES

Paul: haha

me: askdjhfgkjasdghfhjklghasdfshb

Paul: KEWL KOLIN

me: DYING
DEEEEEAAAAD
KILLED ME
is it weird I am attracted to some of the guys modeling the stuff?

Paul: some of the guys are hot

me: right?
also they are soooo nasty
hahahaha

Paul: i was thinking that, like… what if i ran into one of these guys on the street and was like… CUTE
there’s this guy who’s often at metropolitan. he’s about 30 and reallllly cute and we’ve chatted before but he’s way into like gas masks

me: woah
maybe fun?
I don’t quite get it
because it restricts your breathing? How can one be “into” gas masks?
I’m actually SERIOUSLY considering buying a t-shirt
I love how like… smoking cigars and flicking people off is eroticized in these photos with the clothing
I added the t-shirt to my cart
should I buy it?
seriously
like… do you think I can ironically rock that? or do you think people will try to put a colon snake up my butt

Paul: that’s like going down the rabbit hole
some serious guys will be winking at you

me: i actually think it’s a super cute tee

2 Responses to ““Do You Think I Can Ironically Rock That? Or Will Someone Try To Stick A Colon Snake Up My Butt?””

1. vagenius Says:
   March 3rd, 2008 at 5:58 am

   Um…that is the SCARIEST BIZNISS I’ve ever seen.

   [reply this comment]

2. olsky Says:
   March 6th, 2008 at 1:58 pm

   I’m amazed you guys are appalled by the inflatable dildo. I saw that and was, like, “of course!”. I mean, I could never ever imaging taking something that wide in diamater, but if you put it in there small and gradually inflated it? No problem.

   It just seems like a really sensible way to totally destroy your anal sphincter.

   [reply this comment]

Say Something

Name (required)

Mail (will not be published) (required)

Website

click to cancel reply