I hurt my neck on Sunday. So I am out of commission, meaning I replaced my usual Tuesday exercise with pizza, a beer, and video games.

Last night I got a chance to play Super Smash Bros Brawl. No, it was not as amazing as I thought it would be. But granted, I had really high expectations. It’s basically just about as good as the first but with a lot more options. Like one of the options you can turn on called “curry breath” that turns the game into a cluster fuck where you rapidly and uncontrollably breath fire. It has to be seen to be understood. Take my word for it. It’s stressful.

Mostly what I can’t get over is the weird inconsistencies with the marketing of the game.

Wow. Check out this awesome, fierce cast of male Nintendo characters usually rendered as family friendly cartoons, but here, rendered as colorful rugby guys who will bite your ear off. Read More!

Can I hate a gay for being feminine? Yes. No. That would be wrong.

Can I hate a gay for being altogether creepy? Heck yeah. Welcome to teh infraweb.

Okay, I don’t hate Jack Mackenroth, the designer whose vague and teary-eyed departure from Project Runway was kinda sad, but mostly confusing. He’s had HIV for 17 years and claims to be in perfect health, but his exit from the show was a result of what looked like a painful infection clearly emphasized the reasons to never ever visit a plastic surgeon (srsly, waxed brows and curled lashes are one thing, but his enhanced cheekbones and hollowed-out eyes are nightmarish and …predictably sought-after in Chelsea’s gay ghetto).

Anyway, this isn’t an extremely late post about a months-old ProjRun episode (leave that to the experts) or a meditation on Jack’s mild appeal via his utter weirdness. Rather, I came across this treasure (which has since been flagged) on Craigslist, an ad that doesn’t quite purport to do anything but directly offend Mackenroth in a somehow more retarded pidgeon-y LOLtalk. Read More!

Before there was Stewie, there was Runt Page.

To all future screenwriters planning to pen a script involving babies who talk like adults, this is your Apocolypse Now.

To everyone else who thinks chatty infants are awesome, you’re welcome.

I am in Seattle. This means I took a six hour flight yesterday to get here. Obviously it was on Jet Blue. Which also meant six hours of glorious, mind numbing TV. And the make to mind numbing even easier, I took a percoset left over from some surgeries I had in October. Let the nodding in and out begin!

I easily settled on a strong line up of Sci Fi Channel movies, since (duh!) zombies aliens and spooks are the best. I’m not even going to bother trying to trash the three movies I watched because it’s too easy (FYI, they were Hallowed Ground, Clive Barker’s The Plague starring James Van Der Beek, and Legion of Dead starring naked mummies in northern California). Also, I was skipping between these and a Shot At Love With Tila Tequila (a horror show in itself) so I didn’t see any of them all the way through.

More important than the programming were the commercials I got to catch up on. Read More!

For those unfamiliar with gay television or the advertisements plastered all over the 8th Avenue subway station, Dante’s Cove is perhaps the crappiest, most low budget show to elicit a variety of responses from it’s audience. Intrigued by it’s premise of gay wizards and supernatural gays on the beach I have embarked on an exercise in bad taste to log the series. If you missed it, the re-cap of Season 1 Episode 1 is here.

Dante’s Cove — Season 1 — Episode 2 — Then There Was Darkness

00:02 This episode opens with Toby and Kevin having gay sex on a picnic. Toby totally wants to put a strawberry in Kevin’s ass. Also: Why do they not ever have body hair?

00:03 Kevin is all chained up in a dream. He’s all torn over whether to go to Toby or Ambrosius. Both are kind of ugly.

00:05 Ambrosius has a total lair in the lighthouse with candles everywhere just for Kevin. It’s decorated like a bedroom that a goth girl would want to lose her virginity in. Kevin feels weird about doing it with Ambrosius because he loves Toby’s eyebrows.

00:07 Kevin blows Ambrosius. Then more slow-mo soft core anal sex. Ambrosius is totes a bareback bossy bottom. Again, where’s the condoms? Ambrosius totally has meth lines, no wonder he’s such an AIDsey ho-bag. At least there are finally gay wizards up in this joint.

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For those unfamiliar with gay television or the advertisements plastered all over the 8th Avenue subway station, Dante’s Cove is perhaps the crappiest, most low budget show to elicit a variety of responses from it’s audience. Intrigued by it’s premise of gay wizards and supernatural gays on the beach, myself and friends, Freems and Marcelle, decided to sit down and brave this exercise in bad taste to see just what it was all about.

Dante’s Cove — Season 1 — Episode 1: The Beginning

00:01: It opens in the past with witches in salem? WTF? I thought this was about gay wizard boys on the beach having sex with each other. Not Lifetime’s special presentation for halloween. Weird straight wizard marriage is being discussed. Boring!

00:04: AAAAAAAANNNND… immediately into the gay sex with his butler once the girl leaves. Freems: “Yeah! Suck his dick!”

00:07: Ummm… where are the condoms in this sex scene? Shouldn’t here! network be promoting safer sex? I’ll forgive them for now because it’s supposed to be like… the 1800s or Time Of Olde Yore or whatever. Also: Butler has a huge penis.

00:12: Woman chains him up for having gay sex behind her back when they were supposed to get married. I’m pretty confused, because about six minutes ago he was REALLY into marrying her and now is saying he hates her. Emotional character arcs apparently are not a necessity when you’re a wizard in Dante’s Cove.

00:14: She casts a spell that can only be broken by “the kiss of a young man.” I don’t understand why this will be difficult for him. He may be kind of a butterface (”but her face,” get it, you guys!) but young guys are easy.

00:15: Oh, I get it. It’s because she’s turning him old and ugly that no one will kiss him. Except actually I still don’t get it because young guys are easy.

The intro starts up right after this. Lyrics:”Dying, dying to be with you.” Who writes this? Remind me to ask them to write me a personal theme song that will play whenever my phone rings.

I’m seeing lots of gay black magic montages in the intro which gets me EXCITED!!!!

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