I’m leaving for the West Coast guys. Going camping with some friends. Going camping in conjunction with Lazy Bear Weekend!

The only problem with this is that as publisher and editor of this blog, there will be nothing new here to entertain you until I get back. The Social Crisis will return in a week, ya’ll.

But really, guys, I’m going to be camping and running around in the woods and making masks. I need to know my spirit animal for this crazy vision quest I’m about to embark on in northern California. Some have suggested that it’s a red panda, although I think I’m more like a koala. Obviously an internet poll posted in my absence is the best way to determine this. Find the poll after the jump. Read More!

Have you guys seen this trailer for Asylum? Well I have now thanks to the lovely Gabe Delahaye over at Videogum.

Seriously though, I am so excited for this movie. Watching teenagers get slaughtered by mysterious forces and insanity is one of my favorite past times. This movie seems to have everything: needles in eyes (side note: seen Audition, because that movie is the king of needles in eyes), screaming blondes, mysterious pasts, S & M inspired scenes, scary doctors with no pupils, everything I tell you! I’ll be there opening night.

This is by the director of Final Destination 2, and all this Final Destination 2 talk going on in my own head as a result of being reminded of that (excellent) movie’s existence from the trailer had me thinking about how my good friend Jim Gaylord (yes that’s his real name) found a way to make teenage slaughter flicks meaningful, beautiful, and reflective. Read More!

I’m finally brewing my own kombucha just like I always wanted!! Here’s a picture of the baby good friend Josh Thorson handed off to me at the last Metropolitan BBQ.

That’s the kombucha in front of the beers. I seem to have successfully avoided contamination and have moved it into a jar/jug with sweetened tea that it is happily fermenting. Read More!

So I was in a guided meditation yesterday after yoga class. Yeah, yuck it up. Make fun of me now get it out. Feel better now? I bet you don’t, because making fun of people makes you nothing but an ugly person on the inside. Also, Ugly On The Inside. And if you enjoyed that title, IMDB says you might also enjoy Nudity Required. Just in case I haven’t driven the point home, here’s a look at the inside of your soul and it looks just like the inside of the Coyote Ugly:

So at one point we were asked to visualize someone who annoys us/that we dislike. I had this sudden realization I am incapable of picturing anyone I dislike as anything but a strange caricature of themselves. For example,the person I visualized has a wimpy jaw… but in my head it was ridiculous and jowell like. This leads me to the obvious conclusion that all caricature artists in Times Square and other tourist ridden areas are driven entirely by a combination of hate and creativity.

Unfortunately my visualizations are not so creative. After the jump, I have prepared an exercise to help you understand what my mind does to people who get on my bad side. Read More!

Last evening I was dining with a new friend of mine and we stumbled upon a rather exciting subject of conversation: our first experiences of being turned on by something gay in the media. I don’t know about you, but I have a distinct memory of the first time something gave me that tingle… down there. And I suppose it’s with a sense of pride that the honor of starting my young mind along the gutter, that I now sit tits-deep in, can be bestowed upon none other than Samuel Langhorne Clemens aka. Mark Twain.

(I think he picked his pen name based on how many anal beads he could take… it was something like that. Mmm… riverboat men.)

I digress… Anyhow please allow me to share with you a selected reading from Tom Sawyer, or is it Huck Finn? Does it really matter? This is hot hot hot! I hope you have lube. Read More!

Forgive me, babies, for not finishing this earlier. It’s been a couple weeks now since the end of my cleanse. I’d have wrapped this up earlier, but I’ve been too busy macing people on the streets who try to jump me because I’m so goddamn skinny now. Perhaps you’d like to see some before and after photos?

Before:

See the exciting results of eating nothing for two weeks - after the jump!

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So, I know that I promised to keep you kiddies updated daily on the health of my colon, but alas, I’ve had better things to do. Like drinking a quart of salt water every morning after drinking laxative tea at night to, you know, clear my pipes.

Anyway, I’m still alive after a week of not eating anything - which is more than I was expecting. But god, if I was a corpse I’d be way skinnier. I was hoping by now I’d have lost twice the weight I’ve actually lost, but oh well. Today my boss told me I looked “skeletal” and that makes me think I’m on the right track.

Next stop:

After mainlining a standing rib roast and chasing it with 2 gallons of spiked eggnog at Christmas, I realized that perhaps I had put on a pound or two. When I unhinged my jaw to swallow a tray of pancetta-leek-goat cheese tartletts, I knew it was time to drag my FUPA to a full-length mirror. This is what I saw:

After fainting and being revived with smelling salts, I made a promise to myself: that I would lose that weight, and get my groove back. Problem is, I have no patience. I’m not waiting months to drop some weight. I want results now. So I asked myself: what would Beyonce do?

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My colon has billions of little friends. This is because I am really into probiotics (prō-bī-ˈä-tiks) recently. Probiotics are little tiny bacteria friends that reside in your digestion system and colon give you super powers. Like the power to shoot magic beams of rainbow power from your eyeballs and make any boy fall instantly in love with you. The more little friends your colon has, the more powerful you become.

One if the most powerful probiotics is a drinkable yogurt called kefir (ke-ˈfir). Kefir is so powerful because it comes from the tits of unicorns.

While this is maybe the most powerful of the probiotics, there is one other.

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I have this awesome yoga teacher (ed note: yes, I have become one of THOSE gays). She makes us sit around her feet like little children and she teaches us sutras. All of us in her class, we’re just, well… deep like that. Because we really take in the teachings and understand them. This week’s:
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