And boy was I proven wrong! I saw a preview with bloggy buddies Sorry I Missed Your Party and Hard Liquor, Soft Holes at the Regal on 42nd Street and 8th on Tuesday (the one next to the Dallas BBQ that I obvs hit up for a Texas Size Beer and a burger after wards). I actually laughed a lot and wasn’t totally bored/annoyed with the movie. AND THIS IS THE PART WHERE I ANNOUNCE SPOILER ALERT!

I like dude comedies for the most part. I like raunchy humor (although fart jokes can get a bit old) and I LOVE comedy created around despairing, depressed people who are kind of awesome but crushed by the world (because I kind of relate). My one big usual critique of dude comedies is that they normally circulate around straight male fantasies where everything around them must be subjugated to their will to find happiness. This is where the film surprised me, they introduce a satirical version of this ending with Rob Corddry’s character.

On top of that Rob Corddry just CRUSHES IT with his performance. He really carried the whole film for me.

His character plays a total alcoholic depressing fuck-up named Lou whose friends all ignore him and who MAYBE tries to commit suicide at the beginning (it’s never totally clear if it was just an accident that looked like suicide or if the bender he was on was intentionally self destructive). John Cusack, his nephew played by proto-Judah-Friedlander Clark Duke, and Craig Robinson take him on a retreat to a ski lodge where they had wild times when they were younger. Upon arrival, the place turns out to be falling apart, full of olds, and no longer a good times place, so they all get wasted in the hot tub. In a barely explained premise, some wacky Russian energy drink turns the hot tub into a time machine (the name of the movie does not lie!) that brings them back to the their youth. The rest of the exposition here doesn’t really matter enough for me to type out in detail.

The important thing is that what happens allows the future to change, because the guys, as their younger selves (always represented by their older selves on screen) change their past actions. The typical tension between loving the ‘good old party times’ and the ‘responsibilities of adult life’ arise. The men use their knowledge of the future to do things that will make their previous lives, which have such not-big-deal problems as unfaithful wives, difficulties dating and shitty jobs, into the lives they always wanted.

Two of the character’s endings are boring – but Rob Corrdy! Here’s where Rob Corddry’s character arc really makes the film work for me. His future, fantasy self has hair instead of growing bald, but it’s weird crazy Siegfriend and Roy Hair! He invents Google but names it Lougle (after his character’s name)! He just runs with it and creates this total parody of the normal straight-dude fantasy ending that is genuinely funny and critical at the same time!

Other things to note about the film:

• It is incredibly raunchy. Every body fluid get screen time. Blood, cum, vomit, piss, you name it.
• There’s a good amount of uncomfortable homoerotic moments.
• There is a time traveling squirrel that is actually kind of a funny running joke.
• Bad jokes about eighties trends really take a back seat to the raunchy humor. There’s really a lot less jokes about bad trends and fashions than I expected, which is GOOD because those jokes are pretty played out.
• John Cusack smokes bong rips, snorts coke, eats mushrooms and then dresses up like a crazy homeless lady on the Upper East Side (or maybe just old Edie from Grey Gardens?) and wanders around and it is soooo funny.
• Lizzy Caplan, known for her break out role as the goth girl in Mean Girls, plays Cusack’s love interest. I am a huge fan of hers from her work on the amazing Party Down (the best show hardly anyone watches) and while her role isn’t written very well (She’s kinda a cliché ‘free spirit who helps Cusack remember ‘how to live.’ Whatever, right?) I am really happy to see her getting work.
• Did I mention John Cusack takes tons of drugs and wanders around dressed in glasses that look like they were purchased on the street from st marks and some ragged but fancy looking fur jacket and scarf?

So good job Hot Tub Time Machine! You sure showed me not to judge a movie by a trailer!

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I should have shown up with a box of chocolates all for myself and then gone to a restaurant and yelled, “Excuse me! Waiter! I’ll be having the ‘Sweetheart’s Special’ for 1 please.”

True story though: I actually saw it with two of my besties and just bought the ticket by myself and we had juice boxes of pinot grigio. So in reality not as funny and actually kinda a normal experience!!!

But let’s talk about the movie.

I don’t want to do a full exegesis or review. I don’t think I can do better than Manohla Dargis’ brilliant take on the movie, describing the film as  a “dire romantic comedy.” And boy is this movie dire!!!

The film is just so full of anachronistic elements, so I am just gonna throw them all out there:

• The Taylor Swift/Taylor Lautner storyline has no real plot arch, but somehow is one of the best parts of the movie?
• Shirley MacLaine’s performance is the only thing that saves her storyline.
• Anne Hathaway/Topher Grace’s plot line is laughable. Anne Hathaway is in no way a convincing phone sex operator and I didn’t think for a second that Topher was actually pissed off or turned off by her chosen profession.
• Julia Roberts is in the movie for 6 minutes and it’s been reported she made 3 million dollars.
• Jessica Biel is WAY too hot (and her character dresses like she knows it) to be a believable dorky outsider.
• Patrick Dempsey juggles lemons to make a really obvious pun on how he’s cheating on his wife with Jennifer Garner.
• The gay “surprise” is pretty weird and involves a mystery man appearing to tickle Eric Dane’s face with flowers.
• A large part of the action takes place at an Indian Restaurant for no real reason.
• Ok, I almost cried at the end of Julia Robert’s plotline, when she shows up at home and hugs her kid.
• Queen Latifah, as always, was flawless. But can she please play a lesbian already?

So, if you liked In Her Shoes and weren’t bothered by the random Jamaican Wedding at the end, you will probably love this movie! That being said, it’s entirely “sit through-able.” I didn’t once feel like it was totally unwatchable. If you decide to watch this, just make sure you have a box of wine nearby.

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Want to read some reviews? I was really impressed by Armond White’s review for the New York Press heavily crticizing the identity politics at play in the story. But for a white gay male review, which I figure is more applicable to the readership here, I’d suggest Rich’s review on his blog FourFour (which actually tries to serve as a response to some of White’s criticisms).

My opinion is pretty simple and I’m not going to spend a lot of time explaining or defending it. I liked Precious. However, I think that the hype is more due to sensational subject matter rather than the actual film making. I thought Mo’Nique’s scenes were fairly manipulative storytelling and maybe would make more sense in a short format rather than a feature length film. My favorite parts were actually the classroom scenes, which abandoned the stylized, grease smeared, low lit scenes of abuse in Precious’ apartment for a more improvised, almost cinema verité style and tone. The way I see the movie, Lee Daniels used so many different styles of storytelling in this movie that there are basically 4 different movies smushed together in one. I think it’s effective, since different people will probably relate to these very different moments, causing the emotional impact to effect a wider audience. But it’s not something I would label as anything more than mediocre film making.

What I’m interested in, which no one seems to have pointed out, are a couple moments where, when one considers the star power/personas associated with the film, real life and the story being told seemed to clash for a moment in the way that we as an audience might react.

The first one  was a scene when Precious and the alterna-schooled kids actually start talking about people watching Oprah. I can’t help but question whether or not this qualifies as a shameless shill. Yes, in 1987 Oprah was a common cultural touchstone for people to relate with. But since she’s attached as an executive producer, is this a secret sell of her brand/identity/show? All I remember is that the dialogue about Oprah went on for what seemed like a really long time.

The second, and by far the more important moment, is when Precious is at the welfare office and askes Mariah Carey ( playing her social worker) “What are you?” And then Mariah doesn’t tell her. Because it’s a secret. Forever I just thought Mariah Carey was a white girl, but then, when one considers all these different racial minority groups that seem to relate to her, I just don’t know anymore. And maybe, just maybe, I came out of the film thinking the real point of Precious was to get me to question Mariah Carey’s racial identity. Not that I’d ever think something so shallow and flippant after watching a movie that tackles heavier issues.

What are you Mariah?!!1!!

Are you Mexican, Mariah?

Are you Black, Mariah?

Are you Italian Mariah?

Are you Irish, Mariah?

Are you Alien, Mariah?

WHAT ARE YOU MARIAH?!?!?!

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I couldn’t help myself, and started looking at roller derby leagues around the U.S. They got one thing wrong… most of the girls are not quite the Suicide Girls the movie depicts, with the MAJOR exception that is the alternative sexiness that exists in the Portland teams, the Rose City Rollers. However, It looks like the writers and producers and Drew Barrymore picked up on one awesome stereotype when they cast the movie. Roller Derby coaches almost always really, really hot, and Andrew Wilson in Whip It is a fine example of the sort of totally crushable male hotties you can expect to see. (Just in case you’re wondering, that last sentance just landed me a job as the editor of Tiger Beat magazine).

The following are some prime examples of male meat you can expect to see in this mostly girl dominated sport. (And in case you were wondering, THAT last sentence just landed me a job writing for Cosmo. This post has basically launched my career as a very highly sought after woman’s magazine editor.)

Flying Squirrel, Manager for the Gotham Girls Roller Derby:

The coach for the Portland Rose City Rollers‘ Wheels of Justice:

Also in the Rose City Rollers, Portland’s Fresh Meat Program:

Coach for the TXRD Lonestar Rollergirl’s Hellcats:

Know of any other hot roller derby guys? Send them to me or put them in the comments.

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(Sorry, I have to use the lame CelebTV trailer which is tacky because of the promotional bug, but for some reason the official trailer prohibits embedding)

This may be one of the most misleading pieces of marketing I have seen… ever? Let me give you the scoop on the actual movie. It is not just zany adventures and animated physical comedy. A quick taste is below, don’t worry no real spoilers.

So the real plot actually involve an old man’s quest to redeem what he feels is a wasted life. The entire thing opens with a short scene in which he meets the woman who will become the love of their life through their mutual love of adventure and both idolize a cinema adventure hero who captures exotic creatures. They fantasize about a location in South America in the jungle mentioned in a documentary featuring said hero called Paradise Falls and vow to one day move their house on top of the waterfall. The opening montage shows how life gets in the way of such dreams, as the two kids grow up, romance each other, get married, and grow old, all while holding onto the dream of one day moving to paradise falls. The old man’s wife dies before they can accomplish the dream, and this is where the actual story begins. I was already bawling at this point and was only about 5 minutes into the piece.

Basically the real meat of the plot is about the old man’s quest to accomplish his dream on behalf of his deceased wife Ellie. He has to move his house (which he refers to as Ellie throughout the movie and serves as an obvious metaphor for the baggage he carries with him due to the loss of his soul mate) with the help of an awkward and lonely chubby boyscout from a divorced family. Even the characters that would normally cheapen the plot, like an awkward colorful bird that has all sorts of slapstick body movements and a cute, loyal, but dumb golden retriever, are used in intentional and well crafted ways that never spoil the more intimate moments in the film (my main complaint with Wall-E). The entire adventure is really just a MacGuffin to explore themes of loss, aging, hope, and redemption.

Basically I was crying about every 10 minutes, tears screaming out from under my 3D glasses (which is kind of embarrassing?).

Will kids understand this? I still remember how sad I was when Bambi’s mother died. Is this movie like Bambi for a new generation? Probably not, but it was incredibly refreshing to see a cross generational children’s movie that relies on solid storytelling instead of the piece of shit Shrek model which resorts to fart jokes and pop culture references.

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Landline TV presents Spike Jonze’s new original movie, Everyone Poops.

Highlights:

• The parents freaking out in the beginning
• The talking toilet
• The unicorn explaining to Amanda while looking at a creek bed “This is where poop goes.” Raw sewage anyone?
• Triumphant self discovery at the end
• The tagline “Inside all of is… poop.”
• So many tiny details, like the dancing, it makes my head explode

For those who don’t know, Everyone Poops is a book, originally authored in Japan by  Taro Gomi featuring amazing illustrations of animals demonstrating a basic law of being alive — what goes in must come out. Below you can see some tween with a dog and a stuffed  Elmo doll read the book aloud, so that you can either relive your childhood potty training or regress to a toddler like state of wonder:

That being said I am still pretty excited to see Where The Wild Things Are, cliched indie tropes and all.

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Keeez made this sweet re-cap. I think it pretty accurately describes the entire plot of the movie. This movie basically goes perfect with whiskey and coke. You basically can just get drunk at home and watch this YouTube video over and over and save yourself the cost of a movie ticket though.

Also, before going to see the movie that night, a friend of mine for real overheard this conversation at the dentist:

“the latin and black receptionists where like “yeahh. mmmhmmm we’re drinking sake bombs and going to see Obsessed“

Those receptionists had the right idea!

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I know a lot of people have complained about the film not being “Gus Van Sant-y” enough. It was a very straightforward historical piece. It had a very obvious narrative. It wasn’t something I would ever call “experimental.” And I think that’s why it succeeded and will become a film that matters, because it wasn’t so much about art and form, it was about telling an important story. 

I was also mostly worried that Sean Penn’s performance would be annoying. That was not the case. Thank the acting gods for that one.

This film succeeded on a number of levels. First of all, it lucked out to be released during a time when it is incredibly relevant.  With Barack Obama as the first African American president elect, we’re witnessing for the first time in history a person of a racial minority in one of the most powerful positions in our country. Harvey Milk became the first openly gay man elected to public office in California. The parallels there are obvious enough. As if that wasn’t enough the tale of Proposition 6, which would have allowed given schools ground to fire gay and lesbian teachers based on their sexuality and the campaign launched by that bitch Anita Bryant mirror the recent battles against Proposition 8 and the campaign funded largely by the Church of Latterday Saints. 

Whatever you want to think or say about Proposition 8, and I know there are those that think otherwise,  Proposition 8 was a bill that was about discrimination. It sought to take away civil liberties from a specific group of people much like Proposition 6 sought to discriminate against gays and lesbians by expelling them from our educational system. I strongly believe that equal marriage rights for gays and lesbians could easily lead to solving other issues for the queer community. I think it’s an appalling example of democracy’s failures that Propsition 8 passed.

That being said, I think the by coincidence of current events, Milk has become one of the most important films that could have been made for the queer community at this point in time. Here are the problems with forming a successful gay movement:

1. We lack heroes. Since LGBT people come from every race, religion, and background imaginable, it’s almost impossible to find one person that we can all relate to. That person is often either too white or too assimilated to straight culture for trans people, minorities, and a large number of good, thinking queers to relate with.
2. LGBT movements often seek to get their validation from straight culture. See above by “too assimilated.” LGBT movements need to learn to love themselves a little bit more an understand their power. This is one of the problems of focussing on marriage too much, because the movement becomes about how much we’re LGBT people are “Just like us.”
3. We don’t have romantic role models. We don’t have an easily accessed history of being part of a family unit. The entire idea of being “gay” as an identity is relatively young, maybe 60-70 years old at the most. One of the terms used in the movie, and one of my favorite terms, is being a “known homosexual.” (As opposed to what? Being an unknown homosexual? Lovesit.) However, the whole idea of being “out” is so new that you’re constantly going to be fighting history to establish yourself.

And you know what? This movie does everything to try and dispel these problems. Because the truth is all three problems above are all in our heads. This movie seeks to give the gay movement an icon and an ideology and I think it succeeds on many levels. The phrase “An I want to recruit you” has the sort of magic that could create a movement.

Milk creates an political icon for LGBT movements. Milk shows us that we can be out and we can be in positions of power without conforming. Milk shows us that we don’t have to get married to a partner at a young age and settle like straight people to be taken seriously. Most importantly, Milk puts a face and a reality to all of the above by recreating a moment in history. Milk reminds us that despite our differences, we can stand together and stand strong.

As we enter this new era of change.gov, we need to remember to hold to our beliefs. I am Colin, and I want to recruit you. 

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Honestly, it was pretty much everything I was hoping for. My only criticism is that I think there should have been more explicit sex and gore. Considering the incredibly hot sex scenes in Raspberry Reich, I was expecting to see some actual cum shots. But it’s exactly what it’s been described as, a melancholy movie about a zombie with an identity crisis. Strangely, while I found the film to be more “mild” than “wild,” there’s been a myriad of reactions to the film because of it’s strong content.

Ryan Rotten of shocktillyoudrop.com reviewed the film after seeing it at Sundance:

 I should have taken it as a forewarning when the co-producer on this film told me to let her know if I’d still like to talk to director Bruce LaBruce, “if I make it all the way through the movie.”  What the hell is that about, right?  So, I dubiously enter the theater, hunker down, note of the sold-out crowd on a Sunday afternoon…and take in what is essentially GAY ZOMBIE PORN.  Is it a film about a zombie?  Sorta.  The eponymous character is at conflict with himself – and the people he surrounds himself with doubt he’s undead at all.  Even though he insists he is.  Throughout the drama, however, I fell witness to a man screwing another fella’s stomach (full penetration shots) and an undead homosexual orgy.

Sorry.  Not my bag.  I counted roughly 20 – 25 people walk out.  The row I sat in cleared out.  Two girls behind me passed out, snoring away and likely catching up on missed sleep due to the partying the night before.

Really? The man who also directed a zombie porn of his own, Porn of the Dead, is somehow shocked by this content and is so dismissive as to say, “Sorry.  Not my bag.” The same amount of nudity and sexuality in Otto presented in a straight context would have hardly even been called porn. It would just be labeled “sexual content” or something less stigmatized. Furthermore, Alex Billington at firstshowing.net seems to think that the only way to find value in the movie is to be part of Bruce LaBruce’s largely homosexual cult following.

Are the examples of criticism presented obvious examples of homophobia in film criticism? Yes, Watson, I’d have to say that the empirical evidence points to yes. Astounding deduction, Holmes!

My favorite response by far though has to be regarding the dead rabbit eaten by Otto in the opening scenes. A blogger writes in an entry titled “Dead bunnies out of gay zombie porn now” written after viewing the film’s screening in Toronto:

 Yes, zombie Otto is standing there holding a dead bunny.

Here’s a proposition for you: Nobody has the right to use a dead animal in gay porn.

[...]

Here’s another question: Can you show me the contract the hare signed in order to act in the picture? I thought porn was all about consenting adults. A dead bunny is neither.

Really? You’re going to object to a dead rabbit from a local German market in a film full of meat anyways? There’s entire scenes that take place in a butcher shops and meat packing factories, and you’re going to pick out this one animal because it is identifiable and traditionally cute? I kind of hope the entry is being facetious, because really any sort of scenario where an animal can be considered consenting is kind of ridiculous. Also I love how LaBruce clarifies that Otto did not eat actual rabbit innards as the rabbit was stuffed “with cleaned pig intestines and sashimi tuna coated with strawberry sauce” to inneffectively try to divert this guy’s misdirected anger. While I might view this Toronto bloggers criticism as tongue in cheek humor, it seems he speaks for a lot of people. LaBruce mentioned in the question and answer session after the screening at MoMA that there was such a strong response to the use of the rabbit that people spammed the Otto MySpace page.

I guess we should expect absurd responses to films with an absurdist premise? Or maybe people are just ridiculous. I vote for the latter.

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The truth of the matter is, I went expecting offensive crap and came out thinking about buying the DVD. I spent some time over lunch today explaining this movie’s charm via gChat to good friend Gabe Liedman. Our discussion of the film after the jump.

me: omg, also? beverly hills chihuahua was amazing
like, actually really good
Gabe:  woah i cant believe how successful it was
jesus christ
me:  yeah
Gabe:  thanks to you
me:  it’s like… really kind of fun
Gabe:  hahaha awesome
me:  like… watching dogs who are one dimensional caricatures and hollywood cliches
somehow works
and is believable and entertaining
and not offensive
Gabe:  that makes sense
me:  yeah, like if they were people
no go
but since they are dogs
highly entertaining
Gabe:  and it didnt feel like a taco bell commercial?
me: NO! it didn’t!!!
because they are many many breeds of dog
and the doggy outfits!!!!
Gabe:  aw
hahahaahha
me:  it’s srsly soooooo cute
and at this one point, the white girl chihuahua is all sad and then they start playing “I Can Be Your Hero Baby” and have a “Somewhere Out There” inspired montage
it’s soooooo good
it’s like…. an amalgamation of current pop culture with hints of An American Tale and Milo and Otis
it was so great
I freaked out in the theater like 5 times
Gabe:  i gotta see this!
me:  see, I totally just sold you on it
the only real downside was watching piper perabo’s mouth
Gabe:  oh piper
im happy she’s not homeless though
bc she could be
me:  wait, why? that’s so funny
homeless piper perabo is the funniest image
Gabe:  just because she’s so untalented
like
she could never work again
but now with the dog movie
and its guaranteed 10 sequels
me:  haha, i totally spotted a sequel set up
except jamie lee curtis will be too ancient to continue being the dog mom
jamie lee is ridiculous
Gabe:  no way she’s so young bc of activia
me:  she’s basically a the same person she is in the activia commercials
it’s the same character from the commercials, exactly, feet up on the couch and all
Gabe:  hahahahahahahaha
me:  all she does is shit more because of activia, that’s not making her young
Gabe:  true
me:  i heard a rumor once that jamie lee curtis has fragile x syndrom, and have never had that rumor confirmed
Gabe:  im pretty sure she was in my bio text book in high school bc of it
me:  she’s really a success story
Gabe:  majorly
me:  in my head, fragile x syndrome is basically the same as downs
i don’t know the difference
Gabe:  except its sexual
me:  sexy downs
Gabe:  its like hermaphrodite downs
me:  that’s what trig palin is
sexy downs

Also, it seems like Gabe and I love to talk about Activia…

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Seriously I’m speechless.

Here’s another clip about what happens when breastfeeding continues into adulthood. It actually is borderline terrifying, but then the terrible mother appears and something about her is so reminiscent of Joan Crawford that I start cracking up.

I’m gonna watch the shit out of this movie this weekend.

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I almost got the chance to be an extra in this. It was filmed in San Francisco back in February, two days after I left from a vacation that coincidentally put me there at the same time. While it may not be as cool as that time I was a sextra, I was really bummed about this because I was excited to have a mustache, wear flannel, and parade in the streets. I thought it would have been a highly bloggable experience. Because that’s how I measure value these days. In our post modern world of interconnecting nets, my self worth is only measured by the traffic my next blog entry generates.

Thankfully, because of the Youtubes, I can experience what it was like to be part of this film making experience through someone’s shaky, hand held footage posted on the internet.

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Boooo-ring. So I guess I should be glad I didn’t end up doing that scene? Yes. Yes I should be glad. That would’ve been a waste of vacation.

However, I do think I need to start styling myself more after Tom of Finland. Did you see James Franco’s facial hair in that trailer?

Check out that dreamy ’stache. He plays Sean Penn’s lover. Unfortunately I have difficulty imagining James Franco as Sean Penn’s lover.

In all honesty though, I am actually excited for this movie. I get chills watching people give civil rights speeches, especially when they apply to me (I am selfish). I am also pretty curious if they’ll talk about the aftermath and the Twinkie defense used in Dan White’s trial.

More importantly, are ’staches going to be elevated beyond the current ironic hipster milieu because of this movie? Because they look great on the men in the trailer. Should I try rocking a mustache? I’m thinking this might be my next look.

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Throughout the past years, the sisterhood has kept us together through changes, loss, love, and taught us to believe in ourselves. The pants had the power to cause miracles…. because they fit all of us? Even the curvy girl. For realsies. That’s the premise of the original Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants and last night I got to experience the long awaited sequel.

I think it very well be a testament to my character that I still haven’t seen The Dark Night but I have now seen both Mamma Mia! and SotTP 2. I think it means I just value having fun more than most people, but it may secretly mean that my brain is that of a 13 year old girl. You decide. If the latter, I blame the high levels of mercury in the tuna I eat and marijuana.

While the original Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants may be a near masterpiece of teen coming of age cinema, full of hope, change, loss, life experiences, and moments that make me cry, the second unfortunately suffers from sequel syndrome. I do still greatly appreciate the movie however, since it brings America Ferrara, Blake Lively, Amer Tamblyn, and Alexis Bledel together in one place. Here comes my personal discussion of the movie, which is full of SPOILERS. So don’t read on if you care about this movie (why would you, again?).

The movie begins with all the girls off at college. Amber Tamblyn goes to NYU, and they’ve styled her kind of like a crazy fake hipster? Alexis Bledel is at R.I.S.D. Blake Lively gets a sports scholarship to Brown (huh? people at Brown play sports?). America Ferrara ends up at Yale studying… stage managing? I’m not sure, but she’s backstage in a theater with a headset a lot and doesn’t seem to have any real academic classes. Stage managing is a real good use of a Yale education, guys.

They come back for summer to discuss exchanging the pants, something they seem to be growing up and away from, and the rest of the movie follows their first summer after college where they totes learn to live, love, and believe in themselves. Highlights (in no particular order):

• Alexis Bledel, separated from hot Greek lover Kostas, meets a nude model, Leo, in her figure drawing class, who turns out to be a total art school slut and believes in living a polyamorous life. Leo is totally dreamy, loves to cook with lots of different colored bell peppers, and makes bad art that she thinks is really bold and daring and original. But she dumps him anyways because she’s a prude.
• Amber Tamblyn works at Two Boots Video. And gets fired!!!!
• Amber Tamblyn has a pregnancy scare right after losing her virginity to another virgin, her boyfriend from the previous movie, Brian. Since they were both virgins and STDs aren’t an issue, I’m not sure why she didn’t just take the morning after pill and just avoid the whole drama.
• Blake Lively meets her grandmother, who has a southern accent and is full of common sense old folks wisdom.
• Blake Lively gets really emo about these ancient bones she finds in an archaeological site she goes to work on in Turkey and it reminds her of her dead mother?
• America Ferrara does Shakespeare, acting at about the level of regional youth theater, but in the context of the movie, she’s a total amazing show stopping prodigy.
• America Ferrara’s love interest looks like an an ugly Heath Ledger combined with Keanu Reeves from Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure.
• Effie runs off to Greece and sleeps with all their boyfriends. Why she is a weird little bitch and can’t seem to get it together and grow up is never explained.
• America Ferrara jumps off a cliff into the ocean in Greece and makes a big splash.
• The pants get lost. Free at last from the tyrannous power of the pants that can fit everyone, all the girls learn that their fates and destinies are now in their hands and watch the sun set in Santorini.

Seriously, guys, the movie may have been mildly disappointing, but sneak a flask into the movie theater and you’ll have a good time. I mean, it’s about magic pants. My friend Ben liveblogged the whole thing via Twitter and I think it pretty accurately describes the experience.

benbenbenben Pants! Pants! Pants!
benbenbenben I cant believe charlie got tibby pregnant
benbenbenben Leo is obama
benbenbenben so much wing jewelry!
benbenbenben Blake is totally in touch with iraq
benbenbenben Ugly heath ledger asked her out!
benbenbenben Lena needs pants right away.
benbenbenben WERQ PANTS

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Last night I had the total and complete pleasure of seeing Mamma Mia! the movie. I really don’t even know where to begin with this movie. WARNING SPOILER ALERTS ABOUND IN THE ENTRY (but like, really, who the fuck cares about a spoiler alert for Mamma Mia!) My friend Pete most likely summarized the moments that make this movie incredible the best via one of his Twitters:

FabergeLeggs Mamma mia: shouldnt every film have a pulsating mosaic dolphin? Barring that, a cougar christine baranski on a jetski.

Even though something deep inside me was moved to see it on the big screen, I really wasn’t sure what to expect out of this movie. That was until Meryl Streep starts singing “Money Money Money” and the entire thing fades into a fantasy montage that involves on the bow of a ship, draped in yards of flowing, silken fabrics blowing in the wind, while Christine Baranski and Julie Walters sit atop Jet skis locked on the deck of the boat on either side of her. That shot fades away to a shot of Meryl Streep’s face superimposed into the center of a roulette wheel while she holds five poker cards in her hand. At that point I realized exactly what sort of movie this would be and couldn’t be happier. The rest of the audience seemed to agree, as no one ever objected to my incessant giggling and outbursts of “wait… what the fuck is actually going on?”

But really, guys, while the movie is fun, it makes exactly zero sense. Was Meryl Streep drunk the whole time?

But in her defense, if a movie company wanted to pay me a ton of money to go to Greece and sing Abba songs and drink all day while wearing ridiculous outfits I would totally jump on the opportunity. It’s really a dream job. Meryl Streep seems to agree, according to this interview with Chuck the Movie Guy:

In this interview they touch on the second best scene in the movie, where Meryl (we’re on a first name basis now) sings “The Winner Takes It All” to Pierce Brosnan, who stands there awkwardly, while she belts out the song like the power ballad it is on the edge of a cliff wrapping a red scarf around herself and letting it fly in the wind. Really, it’s spectacular, and also really mind blowing to see Meryl Streep re-inventing herself as the new queen of camp. Charles Busch better watch out.

The whole thing ends with a gay gay dance scene, where Aphrodite’s fountain, hidden beneath a dolphin mosaic in the Greek villa, where the action takes place, explodes and gets everyone wet. Colin Firth, who is the sole gay character in the plot, gets to have a very Queer as Folk moment with his new boyfriend and everyone falls in love. Awww…? But really none of it made sense. Ever.

The real reason to see this movie is to watch people run around and sing ABBA songs. If you were an adolescent who did community or regional theater, like me, the whole movie will just bring back memories of running around the green room with your friends dancing to ABBA Gold and acting totally obnoxious and faggy, back at a time when you didn’t even know what “acting faggy” really meant. Don’t go to see great film, but do go to see one of the most ridiculous, fun loving projects I may have ever seen on the big screen.

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Erin: how was wall e?
should i go see it?
me: omg
you would love it
i actually cried out “oh no” in a high pitched voice at one point
really loudly when I was too involved in the action
Erin: yesssssss
me: even though I have a lot of criticisms
it’s super cute and fun
like, REALLY cute
it’s majorly an erin movie
you will be obsessed after you see it
omg, it’s so cute
plus there are obese people who learn to live again

And now for the criticisms and these include numerous spoiler alerts.

1. I think Wall-E may promote abusive relationships. Through the entirety of the movie Eva treat Wall-E like total crap but he still comes begging back. She’s a career driven bitch who cares nothing about Wall-E and only about her “directive.” By the end of the movie, he convinces her to beleive in their love, but I find something about her sea change of emotions totally unbelievable. The message in this movie is kind of like an abused woman that if she could only love her husband/boyfriend enough he would stop hitting her and show his love in return.
2. I love that the obese people learn to live again and re-colonize earth and all, but I have a really hard time understanding how their softened, roly-poly bodies are able to adapt to both full gravity and the harsh wind and lightening storms on planet earth. A proper epilogue should show them all dying of starvation and disease 5 years later. I’m not sure I was really rooting for them to return to earth since it would obviously lead to their eventual destruction.
3. This last criticism is the way I feel about all Dreamworks/Pixar films and why I secretly tend to bar myself from seeing their movies in the theaters. There were several serious moments that they then ruin with slapstick comedy. The best example is when there’s this darkly romantic moment between Eva and Wall-E where they are watching these giant tankers burn on a barren landscape. The directors/producers immediately ruin this moment, which could be amazing had they stuck with the stillness and solemnity of the moment, by having Wall-E engage in some slapstick physical comedy trying to flirt with Eva. It’s retarded. Come on guys, this is a serious topic, I mean, there is a mass of floating bags the size of Texas floating in the Pacific Ocean right now, known as the Great Pacific Garbage Patch, and we shouldn’t be laughing about it.

Anyways, I totes recomend Wall-E as a fun date movie or something. Whatever. I’m so depressed now thinking about all the plastic in our oceans. I’m going to go suffocate myself in a plastic bag. Have fun at the movie.

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Basically the biggest cinematic event of the year (for me) is about to drop and I’m sooooo excited. Bruce LaBruce’s “Otto” or “Up With Dead People” is soon to be released, and BUTT magazine is saying that there will be a DVD Box set of all his films to be released in conjunction. They’re doing a very Web 2.0 feature for an promotional booklet to be included with the set creating even more LaBruce buzz.

In honor of the release of BUTT buddy Bruce LaBruce’s new film Otto, Peccadillo Pictures is planning to release a DVD box set of all of his legendary films: No Skin Off My Ass, Super 8½, Hustler White, Skin Flick, and The Raspberry Reich. BUTT is asking readers to submit questions to Bruce for an interview that will run in the booklet that comes with the DVD box set. If you’ve ever had a burning question for Bruce (Does he have back issues of his legendary magazine J.D.’s available? Is he top or bottom? etc…) please let us know! Send your elaborate questions to info[at]buttmagazine.com.

Unfortunately this press release seems to be totally uninspired and doesn’t motivate me to submit any questions myself. All it makes me want to do is ask, “so Bruce, why did you throw those awful parties at the Boys Room? (srsly that place sucks).” I blame it on badly written example questions; I don’t really give a crap whether Bruce LaBruce is a top or a bottom. They’ve been posting a lot of myspace bulletins about this, so I apologize once again that this is old news.

But truth be told, I’m super excited for his new movie and will probably end up spending a ludicrous amount of money to own the box set. Especial since Raspeberry Reich is the best and can no longer be screened ever since French court ordered a cease and desist in conjunction with a of a lawsuit involving the image of Che Guevara used in the film (at least according the IMDB’s trivia). Whether or not the trivia on IMDB is totally correct, the film hasn’t been screened since 2005.

Check out the trailer for Otto below and prepare to mess your pants, because it’s nearly impossible not to have a spontaneous orgasm over the possibilities of how amazing this movie may be.

Fun fact and sign that I’ve been in New York too long: when I was 20 I totally had a one night stand with the kid in the weird boyscout uniform near the end of the trailer. His name is Gio and he no longer remembers me, because I saw him bar tending once and was like “hey, didn’t we sleep together once and then I never called you back because I thought you were actually a little creepy after the fact?” and he was like “what are you talking about?”

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• Scott Speedman does not get naked.
• The killers were totally unexplained. While I realize that was the point that was supposed to make them scary, they would be WAY scarier if they were made out to be crazed meth addicts. I mean… really if you’re out on a killing spree at 5am I have a feeling you had a date with Tina that night, and the faces of meth are terrifying (with the exception of the one lady who just turns into Helena Bonham Carter from Harry Potter). Basically I never understood why they had what seemed to be super powers and secret access to any room in the house.
• Overuse of the gimmick where the killer lurks in the background of the mise en scene unbeknownst to the protagonist on screen.
• The masks the killers wore that concealed their identities the entire movie just weren’s scary.

And on that note, I had some ideas for some masks the killers could wear that would definately make the movie 3.7 times more terrifying (as confirmed by my anecdotal market research of friends via Gchat).

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#1 Carrie changes into some outfits.

#2 The pivotal scene where Big leaves Carrie at the altar.

#3 And of course, Charlotte pooping herself.

Now that I’ve made your life complete you can go ahead and hang yourself with your chunky belt you got at Anthopologie because you couldn’t afford Marc Jacobs. That is unless YouTube has taken these down by the time you read this… let’s see how long this lasts.

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I have a plan for the movie coming out this weekend. Basically I am going to sneak a flask into the theater, heckle the movie, and basically make the movie an unpleasant experience for it’s droves of fans that just can’t seem to see that Sex and the City is slowly destroying everything that makes New York actually great with it’s nuclear fire breath and laser eyes.

Gabe Liedman and I had a little chat the other day and I think we have this down.

me: omg, should I get S and the C tickets?
is it too late!!!!!!
Gabe: nooooope
me: i want to do a project called “Project Infiltrate The Manolos” or something like that we’re I get boisterously drunk and act like an asshole at the opening night
Gabe: hahahahaha you def should
me: “omg…. YOU ARE JUST LIKE MIRANDA”
“AND I AM SOOO LIKE SAMANTHA!!!”
“BUT REALLY I’M LIKE CARRIE BECAUSE EVERYONE LIKES ME!!!”
fabulous!
Gabe: lolol
im getting a polan spring bottle
and filling it with cosmo
and wearing a bodysuit
me: HAHAHAHA
Gabe: and a huuuuge hat so the bitch behind me cant see
me: omg, I am lol-ing at work
you need to wear sunglasses in the theater as well
Gabe: deeeefinitely
and smoke the whole time
and use my blackberry
me: except Carrie gave up smoking for Aiden!!!
REMEMBER!!!
Gabe: youre right
fuck
ill never be able to do that
me: you can still put nicotine patches all over your body and bitch about needed a ciggarette during key scenes
Gabe: hahahaha perfect
and im going to narrate everything outloud the whole day leading up to it
“in a city with two million single gays, can someone please check me out back please”

FYI, Gabe’s a funny guy who has funny chats, you can check them all out on his blog.

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So sexy, right? All my yoga and kefir-eating have finally paid off as I get to show off my legs in yellow tight spandex in their full muscular glory while I watch a movie in the dark. Obviously, I am expecting a Times Square circa 1986 porno theater crowd for opening weekend of Iron Man, and, unless I dress the role, how else can I expect to receive oral sex from a stranger sitting next to me while they stop to occasionally whisper in my ear, “Oh, Tony Stark, I want you in me.” These things happen, people. These things happen in our world.

On a similar topic, the topic being promiscuous sex with male prostitutes in public scenarios, I still can’t stop thinking about the old Robert Downey Jr. The one that gets arrested for drug charges and causes trouble. It may just be because Less Than Zero has been on TV a lot recently. There’s really something magical about watching Downey Jr. 20 years younger on a drug binge puking up everything inside of him while Jami Gertz holds his head over the toiler then grow old and make a movie where he’s a steamy, muscled engineer.

You can see why people hire me and my outfit for Tony Stark role play fantasies these days, right? I mean, who doesn’t dream about getting with a buff man in a tank top who knows how to work with hard materials? Especially one in a position of power in the military!

And while these new trends in sex symbol imagery may be good for men like me of thicker physique and facial hair, I kind of miss the old Robert Downey Jr. star persona a little bit. Where’s the man caught drunk driving while in possession of heroine I’ve grown familiar with while growing up?

Whether or not I totally understand Robert Downey Jr.’s transformation from fucked up, disillusioned youth to hunky hero cum weapons engineer, at least his forlorn, lovesick waif phase (via Elton John’s “I Want Love”) is over.

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