I found these images of the future in the crystal ball us seers call Google. Can’t wait to be textin’ all my BFFs in 2013. Have any of you read Flowers in the Attic? I hear it’s really amazing. I’ll trade you for the Goosebumps I just read. gtg, I just got like, 20 texts.

Happy New Year, ya’ll.

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So while I’ve been absent and with holiday parties/a hang over/shopping/crashing White House dinner parties, the Gap had some crazy ads going on?

Did you all see this? It’s some Gap ad. Jezebel writer and blogger at large Lindsay Robertson wrote it up on Jezebel as being very slightly pedophilic, and got kinda attacked over it. (I don’t have TV so I learn about t through the internet). Anyways, I maybe kinda agree with her, only because of the weird train move at the end? Otherwise it’s a harmless ad, but considering the high pressure world of professional blogging, I don’t blame her for using that spin to post it in any ways. Here’s the original:

And I guess some gay guys saw this and thought it would be super fun to parody. I really WANT to like this, because the idea and execution are great, but I also get super uncomfortable watching a bunch of young gay guys infantalize themselves in the name of corporate fashions:

What do you think? Cute holiday commercial parody or kinda weird scary intersections of unhealthy psychology and consumerism?

I suddenly really really want boots for Christmas. Happy Holidays ya’ll!!!

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Last year was a little bit of a bust. I made some corned beef, cabbage, potatoes, and carrots as well as served my mother’s award winning soda bread, and only about 3 people could make it.

I’ve have been trying to re-create my family’s tradition of having a yearly Irish feast, and this year it looks like I’ve done it. I can’t tell you the recipe because it’s an ancient Irish secret, but it involves a mustard glaze and braising the meat for a minumum of 4 hours. The cabbage and potatoes and carrots are then boiled in the same water you pre-boil the corned beef in. Meaty! It’s definately a meal worth celebratring.

I just found out good friend Gabe Liedman will be in attendanceand we had a little chat about how this is the sort of meal that will make all the boys fall in love. Our chitty chat after the jump.

Gabe: im in for briskets now
if its not too late
me:  OH YAY!
cool!
man, I am going to need three briskets
this will be awesome
Gabe:  hahahahahaha
thats what he said?
not really
thats what she (a catholic mom) said?
me:  hahahaha
that’s what the catholic priest said?
that’s what the leprechaun said?
Gabe:  MORE BRISKETS!
me:  corned brisket sounds like it should be slang for a warty vagina
Gabe:  hahahahahahahahahahha yep
me:  Lots of cute boys are coming I think
but nothing is going on with any of them, so it’s not awks that they might all convene
Gabe:  they can have a brisket eat-off
me:  omg
PLEASE
while they eat I will whisper in their ears “eat it… yeah, that’s right. good boy”
“show me how much you like that brisket”
Gabe:  “good boy”!!!!
hahahahahahahaha
cabbage is gonna give everyone the farts
which is perf
me:  love it!
me:  ug, we will all be farty and bloated
what a great way to get someone to fall in love with you
Gabe:  i’m really at my best when im all beef-brine dehydrated and holding in 12 farts
so no worries
im gonna bag me a nice irish fellow who doesnt understand why im so hairy

St. Patrick’s Day is basically like Valentine’s Day with farts, right?

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I’m currently in Dublin visiting my sister. I thought they might not have Valentine’s day here, but they do. I couldn’t escape. But the good news is I get to hit on European men while I am here. I made this Valentine just for the event of a hot vacationship while I am here.

This is made with color pencils and glitter glue. Just call me Martha Stewart. Can’t wait to see more of gay Dublin tonight!

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I feel so represented!!1!!1! Guys from Spain are always soooo interesting. If I had a “type,” I would say my “type” is “interesting.”

Point is some in house ad came on with Varla Jean Merman where she talks about how it’s National Drag Month and that I should care for some reason. First I was offended, because in my head I thought it was February and that Logo was trying to steal Black History Month for drag queens/kings. Then my acid flashback ceased, and I realized it’s January and calmed down. While I don’t really think drag merits a “history month” and would be happier to see a National Transpeople’s Month, it did get me thinking — if I were to do drag what would my drag name be?

For porn, I’ve already decided that the funniest porn name possible is Daikon Radish. For one it’s a vegetable and lacks any overt innuendo, but when you think about it it’s basically a large dildo that is the size of something you’d see someone at The Eagle sit down on.  Also, it’s healthy! Also a title screen that scrolled text along the lines of “Slutty Summer 8: One Blew His Wad Over the Cuckoo’s Nest starring Daikon Radish” is super funny to me. Best. Porn. Name. Ever.

But if I was to do drag? I’m thinking maybe Babooshka. Because of the following video (just wait for it, you’ll see why):

Kate Bush is such a genius that she both can create a modern dance where a cello represents the “husband” in the song and that babooshka no longer means a Russian grandmother, but rather a weird Caligula inspired sex kitten with crazy back lighting. Basically I think if I did drag I would want to represent the same sort of inane, asynchronous ethic.

But really, what would my drag name be?

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Golf claps for the “Santa Fag” sign, though.  That one’s totes true.

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Happy Buy Nothing Day, guys! I’m going to sit in my room and not buy anything all day. So excited to do my Christmas shopping on another day instead. Did you all hear about how shopping kills? From newsday.com:  

Bargain-hungry shoppers stepped on a fallen Wal-Mart worker, who died Friday morning, after the crowd knocked down the store’s front doors — and the worker — during the “utter chaos” of a Black Friday shopping melee, Nassau County police said.

“A throng of shoppers . . . physically broke down the doors” at around 5 a.m. Friday and knocked the 34-year-old part-time worker to the ground as the crowd pushed its way into the store at the Green Acres Mall, Nassau police said.

“This crowd was out of control,” said Nassau Police Det. Lt. Michael Fleming, who is investigating the death. He characterized the melee as “utter chaos.”

Fleming said an estimated 2,000 people had gathered in line around 5 a.m. as the store was preparing to open.

Who are these people who go shopping at 4am? What were they shopping for? Are they trying to get the newest X-box release? Also , I’m really curious about the person who got trampled. Was it one of the 90 year old retirees they hire as greeters? This is actually really sad. Are people so pumped for deals this year because the economy is in such a downturn? I’m really hoping that change.gov will find a way to stop shoppers from trampling store employees.

Remember when malls and shopping was a simple joyful activity? I miss my youth and innocence.

Don’t buy anything today, ok?

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You guys have all been to P-Town already, right? Because this was my first time and I’m a little bit in love with the place. I also came back with a set of Saved By The Bell “The College Years” trading cards, lip gloss in a container shaped like a toilet, and Celine Dion’s driver’s liscense (it’s class “DIVA”), gifted (pronounced jifted) to me by the incredibly funny Dina Martina. She’s a Seattle drag queen that brings drag to a transcendent level of comedy; I am hesitant to even call her a drag queen, because she’s just a drag creature. You just have to see one of her shows to understand, and I highly recommend it to any of you still going out to P-town this August.

I never really knew that a Cape Cod loving white Anglo Saxon Protestant lay deep within my hard working and drinking Irishman’s soul, but there’s one deep down in there, enjoying watercress and cucumber sandwiches, playing tennis, and arrogantly dismissing all poor people. After visiting, all I really want to do is run away for the next three months in a sea shanty on the beach, watch the weather turn into fall, and try and write the next great American novel.

The big gossip while I was there was that Andrew Sullivan had recently bought the last small apartment on the tip of Captain Jack’s. The place seriously looks like this:

How do I become Andrew Sullivan’s houseboy?

Yes, these homes might be whimsical and childish looking. I recognize this. They also kind of look like where the Pirates of the Carribean (from the Disneyland ride, not the ones in the movie based on the ride) might live. But I also find them to be completely desirable living accommodations? Is this ok or do I need to be saved from my own bad taste?

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The only problem with this is that as publisher and editor of this blog, there will be nothing new here to entertain you until I get back. The Social Crisis will return in a week, ya’ll.

But really, guys, I’m going to be camping and running around in the woods and making masks. I need to know my spirit animal for this crazy vision quest I’m about to embark on in northern California. Some have suggested that it’s a red panda, although I think I’m more like a koala. Obviously an internet poll posted in my absence is the best way to determine this. Find the poll after the jump.

See you in a week.

Bonus List for New Readers. A quick round up of some of my favorite articles on the Social Crisis to keep you all busy:

• “The Best Pair Of Pants” Or “How To Make Eyeballs Bleed” by Colin
• Nell Carter Haunts My Dreams by Vagenius
• Josh and Josh Are Rich and Fuck Themselves by Colin
  
• Why You Don’t Need To See The Sex and The City Movie by Colin
• President Sassypants by Gambypants
• “Do You Think I Can Ironically Rock That? Or Will Someone Try To Stick A Colon Snake Up My Butt?” by Colin
• Xmas Means L. Lo by Elliott
• You’re Invited by Meat Picnic
• I Have The Most Popular Colon by Colin

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Love and respect your mother, guys. You came out of her.

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I can’t wait, guys! Let the good times BBQ bonanzas roll! You’ll know who I am because I’ll be the one wearing wearing shorts and Toms (with no socks) all weekend.

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Venice Beach from Colin on Vimeo.

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So Merry Xmas from me and Kate Bush’s crazy eyes.

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JK, guys, just JKing you!! Actually it’s Kate Bush’s idea of a Christmas special in 1979. Because when Kate Bush thinks Christmas, she thinks pyramids, strangely constructed fake burqas, high powered fans, and weird symbolic gang rape.

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You probably want to print this out.

10. CROCHET UGG BOOTS.

These are one of Oprah’s favorite things. And if I can’t be Oprah, I can at least pretend I am by feverishly obtaining all of her favorite things and wearing/using them all at once while dressed in blackface and crying out for Gayle King’s gentle embrace.

9. KOPI LUWAK COFFEE.

I’m tired of drinking coffee that I’ve had to digest entirely on my own. Which is why I’m asking for Kopi Luwak coffee, which is made from beans passed through the digestive system of civets. Who else do you know who drinks stuff that’s been shat out of a monkey? That’s what I thought, you filthy plebeians.

8. A SUBSCRIPTION TO GARDEN AND GUN MAGAZINE.

Because gardens and guns belong together, like buckteeth and Chinamen. According to their website, “Garden & Gun is led by an eclectic group of individuals with a unique combination of publishing excellence, creative imagination, and a passion for the Southern lifestyle.” A passion for the Southern lifestyle? Or a passion for bourbon and masturbating to photos of androgynous models in jodhpurs while caressing a twelve gauge? I’m not sure, but either way, sign me up!

7. A WEAVE.

‘Nuff said:

6. A GUIDE PONY.

God, you blind people are so fucking lucky. You get to have a fucking guide pony:

Not only does this mean he gets to bring a fucking pony on a plane, he also gets to dress it up in little tiny pony sneakers! I will poke out my own eyes if it means getting a guide pony.

5. A HAITIAN SLAVE GIRL.

Well, someone has to clean up after the pony. What? Don’t give me that look. It’s not like I asked for a white slave girl. Besides, we’ve all seen that episode of Law and Order: SVU where the rich ladies on the UWS were buying black slave girls to clean their townhouses, so it’s totally possible to get one.

4. A GIRDLE.
Because I can only purge so many times a day. And look at the results:

If a girdle can restrain this woman’s mons pubis enough to make it look like her mons isn’t trying to devour her thighs, surely it can work wonders for me! Ideally, I’d look so thin my hips would stick out like a couple of handlebars.

3. A MONOCLE.

Because everyone looks smart wearing a monocle. Just look at Mr. Peanut:

Look how dashing and debonair he looks in his monocle. And he’s a fucking peanut. So just imagine what it would do for a human – someone who has an actual eye to place the monocle on, as opposed to one of those fake, glued-on googly eyes.

2. MY OWN SHANTYTOWN.

Just because, really. Who wouldn’t want their own shantytown? Then I could go around saying “I have my own shantytown. Do you? No? Oh. I’m sorry. This must be woefully embarrassing for you, what with me having my own shantytown and you having none.”

1. LINDSAY LOHAN’S PHONE NUMBER.

Because I know, in my heart of hearts, that if I could just get her on the phone we would be BFF in, like, two seconds. That’s all it would take, because really we’re the same person. And she would say that. She would say, “OMG, Elliott. Why have we never met before? We are SO alike. Sometimes I cry, too. Let’s go mainline a bottle of vodka and you can do coke off my tits.” Huzzah!

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me: everyone liked my appetizers, but like, mmmm, they made some awesome food
also, we found out 15 sticks of butter were used
that’s a stick per person

Eeez: OMG
that’s INSANE
what were the apps?
actually tell me the whole menu
Sent at 1:18 PM on Friday
me: for apps I brought some cheeses (manchego obvs, and this other one called a Tom that is kind of like a taleggio without the aftertaste) pickled wax beans, and cornichons
and then I made a bruschetta with venison sausage, tons of garlic, and tomato
that was my contrib
Eeez: whoa! nice
me: then amy and katie made butternut squash with sage, roasted yams, twice baked mashed potatoes with cheese
a beets salad with Gorgonzola and walnuts
a green bean and oyster mushroom “response” to green bean casserole that had fried leeks on top
some sort of crazy casserole that was all cream, butter, pearl onions and crunchy top
which was AWESOME
a turkey with a pancetta rub
stuffing with Italian sausage and apples
I’m trying to think if I am forgetting anything
Eeez: oh my GOD
wow
me: yeah, I was like, in pain after eating, I waaay overate
Eeez: that is a lot of food
me: yeah
Eeez: yeah we had like 3 kinds of mashed starch too
me: I think I am still missing a side too
they had this AWESOME gravy that the fried pancetta pieces were in
Eeez: whoa sounds so fatty and amazay
me: yeah
Eeez: who was is? katie brett paul amy you …
me: katie, brett, paul, me, matt, stacy, maggie (who used to work with katie at the choco shop), Katie’s Parents, hannah, garret
Eeez: wow
me: brett’s sister bailey
there were 13 peeps
Eeez: that’s a lot of food!
me: I’m missing someone
yeah
it was kind of awesome
OH, hannah was a last minute addish
that’s who I was missing
Eeez: you said hannah
me: oh
hmmm
oh well
i passed out at 9pm hard
so
tevs
Eeez: hahaha nice
i made myself stay up till 1130
i hate waking up at 3am and not being able to fall back asleep
omg
me: ha, yeah, I just like, went to bed and woke up to like burp and stuff
I was gas-say!
Eeez: i’m taking a teuters e-learning right now, and it takes 4 hours, and i’m learning “to effectively deliver propositions.”
HAHAHAHHAHAHA
hahaha totes gassy
me: you have to sing it to the tune of Kelis’ “bossy”
“cuz I’m gas-say, I’m the bitch ya’ll love to hate, diamonds in my grills, diamonds in my grills”
Eeez: hahaha
me: that isn’t really the way it goes but it’s the only lyrics I know off the top of my head
Eeez: boys come to the yard
something about yards
kellis really does enjoy the foliage.
me: that’s milkshake
Eeez: oh but there’s something about that in bossy too
me: oh, really? it’s probably about out to her other song
it’s kind of like when Thomas Friedman quotes himself
Eeez: I’m bossy
I’m the first girl to spin on a track
I switched up the beat of the drum
That’s right i brought all the boys to the yard
And that’s right, i’m the one that’s tattooed on his arm
I’m bossy
Eeez: ok yeah, and she’s def quoting herself
but it’s because she loves yards so much.
me: HAHA
Eeez: that’s what happens when you’re from brooklyn
you value the real estate

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I think I’ll just have a salad this year.

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