Guess what? I did you all a huge favor. I made some crappy clips of the movie on my tiny hand held videocam, so now you NEVER have to see the movie because you can see all the pivotal scenes and female squealing you want right here on the interwebs. I broke this down into the three key scenes anyone might see this horrible endorsement of both consumerism and the general enslavement of the female population.

#1 Carrie changes into some outfits.

#2 The pivotal scene where Big leaves Carrie at the altar.

#3 And of course, Charlotte pooping herself.

Now that I’ve made your life complete you can go ahead and hang yourself with your chunky belt you got at Anthopologie because you couldn’t afford Marc Jacobs. That is unless YouTube has taken these down by the time you read this… let’s see how long this lasts.

Know what I once liked but have grown to hate? Motherfucking Sex and the City.

I have a plan for the movie coming out this weekend. Basically I am going to sneak a flask into the theater, heckle the movie, and basically make the movie an unpleasant experience for it’s droves of fans that just can’t seem to see that Sex and the City is slowly destroying everything that makes New York actually great with it’s nuclear fire breath and laser eyes.

Gabe Liedman and I had a little chat the other day and I think we have this down. Read More!

Richard Gere had the gerbil-butt.

Rod Stewart had the cummy-tummy.

I now present to you, in gory detail, the newest, brightest, and most disturbing celebrity myth I’ve ever heard!

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Resident non-fag-hag Eeez from steeez.com occasionally likes to offer her tidbits of wisdom to the gays. Today, she takes a totally fuckin’ awesome survey that you should respost all over your spaces.

Hi Everyone! I’m so whatever right now since I’m on my period and I thought I’d just kill some time on IE!!!

So *sometimes* when I get really bored at my temp job, I post these surveys on Myspace.com. They’re not serious or anything, mostly it’s just info about me, like, who’s the last person who hugged me? Anyway it’s not super important or anything. But this question totally hit me: Do you have more guy friends or girl friends?

The short answer is that I *definitely* have more guy friends, but I never really thought about why. I mean, it’s just that girls are kind of bitches. They are really competitive about boys and all they really care about is hair and nails. When I’m with my guy friends, I don’t know, I just feel like I can have a glass of Riesling and sit back and be myself. OK well anyway, here’s the survey. Enjoy!

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Yesterday I worked from home. This was like a dream, mainly because I could watch movies while I worked. Also, I could watch movies while I pretended to work.

Case in point:

Probably the most vapid piece of shit I have seen in ages. Which obvi means I had a great time watching it.

Please note that for whatever reason, Anjelica Huston was conned into making this movie.

The plot centers around sisters, played by HilDuff and HaiDuff, who are young, rich, and beautiful in LA. They are heirs to some ridiculous cosmetics company, whose name I fail to remember, and their father has just died, an event that seems to affect them emotionally about as much as breaking a heel. Anjelica Huston, a rival cosmetics mogul, is looking to buy out their company, and through some (SPOILER ALERT! Not that you will EVER watch this junk and care….) works with their CEO to manufacture a fake scandal involving defective deadly products that burn you skin or some shit.

The girls then get caught up in a series of “hilarious” debacles that render them poor! God forbid! They burn down their house, get their car stolen by emo thugs (does such a thing exist? maybe in LA?), and their corporate credit cards are cancelled. The go to live with their former maid, and learn what it’s like to take the bus and be poor.

The real charm of the movie lies in how it desperately grasps at politcal relevance. They discover their former maid has children who are in Columbia. To explain why the children aren’t living in the US with their mother, the latina cleaning professional responds, “Haven’t you ever heard of post 9/11 immagration delays?” Never is this mentioned again.

What IS mentioned again, or at least hinted at, is both Hil and Hai’sromantic obsessions with the underclass and/or Mexicans! Hil’s love interest is a Mexican whom she assumes is a parking attendant. Hai falls for the an embittered, poor lawyer(oxymoron?) who works for a non-prof. The funniest part is the attempt at giving the lawyer hipster cred with a shaggy haircut and a pedofile style mustache. The two love interests help them with a kind of Nancy Drew/Erin Brokovich investigation to figure out why their company went bankrupt, and their sweethearts turn out to be good people even if they are poor! The mexican is actually a chemist who just parks their car for fun (who wouldn’t love to park a Duff’s car!) and the lawyer turns out to be a total sweetheart! Awww!
I started thinking about shooting myself in the head at this point.

The one redeeming part of the movie is when HilDuff gets arrested. In jail she almost gets raped by lesbians, but then wins them over with her superior knowledge on skin care. Here the one worthwhile funny/racist joke is made when this caricature of a black prostitute answers Duff’s request for an exfoliation cream with, “I got all this sand up in my toe jam from runnin’ from the po’ po’!”

The tagline of the movie, “They lost a fortune but got a life.” turns out to be a total lie as they never really lose a fortune. Throughout the movie, they may have lost their liquid assets, but are still sitting on the possibility of a 60 million dollar company, even after it’s bankrupt. In the end, , Anjelica Huston’s plot is foiled, their compnay ends up being a mega million dollar success, the poor lawyer becomes an overpaid corporate legal adviser, and the Mexican develops skin cream with HilDuff. Everything they touch turns to gold. Always.

Right around here I my mind wandered to how it might be more fun to get raped with a chainsaw than watch this movie. The movie might have been good had Anjelica Huston gone into a rage after getting busted and shot them all up with an oozie.

After the jump, some pearls of wisdom offered by the sisters Duff.

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