Posted on December 11th, 2009 by Colin
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How do you all feel about the dialogue surrounding gay marriage? I am, like, 100% for gay marriage but the tactics and conversation regarding “marriage = equality” bothers me a little bit. Been lazy on the blog because I been trying to write fiction, but I thought I’d share a draft of a satire I recently wrote on the topic. This is it:
I Saw Him at the Gay Marriage Demonstration (A Satire)
It was that special holiday that marked the approach of the coldest months of winter, where family and friends gathered to stuff themselves and fatten up for the frigid times to come. Keith, his partner Dennis, their two kids, Julie and Andrew were joined for dinner this year by their friend Dmitri and the couple next door, Alice and Janet. It was the biggest thanksgiving the couple had planned in years, at least since Dennis’ parents had passed away in summer of 2016. The scent of a tofurkey in the oven and a mushroom leek quiche wafted into the dining room. Janet had brought her brussel sprout, walnut, and wheat berry salad and Alice had brought a selection of grassy sheep’s milk cheeses from the farmers market the group had consumed as an appetizer. Dmitri had brought hearty staples, a vegan sorrel dressing and a dish of mashed yams.
This was their first year ever without desserts. Keith and Dennis had just adopted Andrew at the age of four, a sweet kid despite behavior problems learned from growing up in the foster system. Andrew had been born diabetic and addicted to crack cocaine, rescued by a social worker when his mother abandoned him in a Detroit project. The whole family had adjusted their diet, and while Julie seemed to adjust easily to a reduced sugar, her daddies still had some concerns over whether she’d throw a tantrum when she discovered pumpkin pie had been omitted from this years feast. Still, at age 9 she was remarkably calm and reasonable for her age and her two dads constantly admonished her with praise for her unexpected mature behavior, not to mention her good marks in school.
A timer went off in the kitchen signaling that the tofurkey was thoroughly heated. Andrew ran into the kitchen quickly whipping up some vegan mushroom gravy to accompany their stuffed tofu loaf, the earthy richness of the salty sauce was so good it really made it impossible to miss real turkey. Dennis tapped his fork against his wine glass, the ringing noise signaling to everyone that food was ready. The whole party gathered around the table for dinner, eager for food, wine, and stories.
As the meal was winding down, Keith noticed a sad look on Julie’s face and asked her about it. “Dad, it’s not that I’m sad that we can’t have pie this year. I understand that since Andrew entered our family we need to cut back on sweets,” Andrew giggled a thanks as Julie continued, “I’m just sad that we seem to have lost a tradition that I have become so used to every year.”
Janet quickly chimed in, “I can’t help but feel the same way. I really miss your pumpkin pie, Keith. But isn’t Thanksgiving close to another tradition for you two? Isn’t your anniversary just a week away?”
“Why don’t you tell the story of how you met and became my daddies!” Julie interjected with the squeak, “That story is so sweet, it’s a great substitute for a real dessert, papa. I hope that whoever I fall in love with, whether it’s a man or another woman, that we have just as romantic a story. I love having two daddies.”
“Well, ok, if you’re gonna twist my arm… I guess I’ll share the story,” Dennis began.
“It was the week after Thanksgiving, Tuesday December 2nd, and the New York State legislature had just voted in a 24 to 32 decision against granting couples like your daddy and I the right the marry. I had received 2 texts and noticed that m friends were updating their Facebook status – that’s one of those older social networking sites we had – calling for a rally at 6pm in Times Square. I didn’t know your father at the time but I guess the same thing happened to him because come 6 pm we were standing next to each other, total strangers at the time, carrying a banner on bright yellow paper that read ‘NY Crime Scene.’ I remember looking over and realizing how cute he was.”
“I remember looking over and realizing how lucky I was to be at a protest next to a guy as cute as you too,” Andrew said as he planted a kiss on Dennis’ cheek.
“Well, to continue, my friend, uncle Ben who you might remember from when you were a little girl, was texting me to see where I was. It wasn’t a huge turnout given the last minute nature of the protest, but it was still enough of a crowd where he had difficulty spotting me. I pulled out my iPhone to answer… and that’s when Andrew first talked to me.”
“I said, ‘Hey! We have the same iPhone case and even put the same sticker on it! I can’t believe you also have vintage Lisa Frank stickers. Did you get them at that thrift store downtown, Love Saves The Day? That’s where I got mine’ and the mysterious stranger I’d soon know as Dennis responded, ‘Yes actually. Wow. I always felt kinda unique and alone in the design choices I used to express myself.’ I then quickly introduced myself. I said ‘Hi, my name is Andrew. It’s no nice to meet another guy who really believes in marriage.”
“And I couldn’t believe that I was talking to such a cute fellow who believed in marriage! I mean, I used to tell my friends who wouldn’t go to these rallies, ‘if you don’t believe in marriage then you’re basically just like those gay republicans, living one life while fighting against who you are. You say you’re activists, but I don’t see you standing up for marriage.’ I wanted to make a stand for marriage because I believed in marriage and so I had shown up to the rally alone. And then I met the love of my life there! It’s so funny to me still – two fellows standing for marriage ACTUALLY getting married years later.”
“Well, I guess the rest is history. After the coincidence with the iPhone we discovered that we loved all sorts of the same products! We both liked Kiehl’s face lotions, shopped at Design Within Reach – so I guess it was just inevitable that we would settle down together and have a family. The day that they legalized same sex marriage we marched down the the courthouse and got our marriage certificate. We had the commitment ceremony the year before upstate in Woodstock, but we had been waiting for legal recognition before we started a family. And then 6 months later, we adopted you Julie! We moved here to Tivoli and the rest is history. If we can be thankful for anything on this holiday it would be marriage.”
Andrew gave a yawn.
“Well it looks like this first Thanksgiving has worn out our newest little family member! Time for bed kids!”
Dennis scooped Andrew up in his arms and carried him to his bedroom downstairs. Little Andrew’s eyes were so heavy he fell asleep in Dennis’ arms on the way, making it easy to put him down for the night. The small lady Julie wasn’t so easy though.
“But I don’t wanna go to bed! I want to hear more stories!”
The adult guests exited the kitchen and settled in the den while Keith worked his magic.
“It’s ok Julie. Remember when you wake up Dennis and I will still be here and we can tell you all the stories you want. Look, I’ll even come brush my teeth with you before you go to bed and tuck you in. Ok? Tomorrow we have a big day planned since you and Andrew have school off. We’re going to go apple picking!”
“Ok… have you seen Kumquat? I need him to fall asleep.”
“Yes, I just gave him a good wash and put him back on your bed. Now let’s go brush our teeth like good girls and get to bed!”
15 minutes later Keith and Dennis joined the other adults in the living room.
“Wow, I can’t believe how easy that was! I hope our kids end up being so well behaved,” Janet commented while sipping Amari as an after dinner digestif.
“Are we thinking about having kids? You sure haven’t let me know… I thought we were going to wait until I had time to take maternity so that we could artificially inseminate?”
“Oh, honey, I’m just speculating.”
“I guess after that tall tale Dennis spun at the dinner table it’s easy to get carried away… Come on Keith, tell us the truth, you guys were never quite that wholesome. I remember when you had Chris over for a threesome on your first anniversary.”
“You guys…” Dennis blushed.
“Ok, well, here’s the real story. Dennis had one part right. Our matching iPhone cases, both of us had purple cases with silver glitter. That was what initially sparked the conversation. Then we realized we both were wearing the same pair of Loden Dagger jeans and I think that’s when we both got more interested in each other. Our matching taste in clothes and technology made it obvious to me that we might be a match. I lived not too far away at the time… on 47th and 9th avenue. So I invited Keith over after the march for a drink and joint if he wanted.”
“And what happened?”
“Well, we got to my place and Keith seemed nervous. I was really lucky, my parents were paying for this huge place in hell’s kitchen while I was busy interning at Goldman Sachs. While I was pouring us some Maker’s on the rocks, I pointed out my porn collection, hoping it would get him to relax a bit. I handed him a drink and started to roll a joint. Jesus, I can’t remember for the life of me what we talked about.”
“We were talking about how out of place I felt since I had graduated Columbia. I mean, I had this Ivy league education and it seemed like the only way I could make money was to act as an escort. When we first met, I had a rentboy.com profile… Dennis made me take it down the week after we met so not a lot of people know I used to escort.”
“That’s right! I remember being a little turned off by the topic, but probably wasn’t listening much anyways. You know me!”
“I know honey, you’d always been the sort of guy whose more into the body than the mind,” Keith sighed, “You know, I never told you this but I actually recognized was also on this porn site, suckingstraightguys4cash.com. They had paired me with some hunky red head in a kilt. God, I even remember the plot. He was supposed to be some sort of rugby player that I had picked him up while my “theater troupe” was performing at Edinbugh. His girlfriend was out and he had been trolling the city for a sissy boy to use for the night.But really. I had an Ivy League education and I couldn’t get hired for shit. My name on the site was Colby. It made me seem so midwestern. I’m surprised you never ran across that.”
“You’re lucky I didn’t find that the first year we went out, I might have been scared off. I’m really particular about my porn. I don’t really go for that fetishizing-straight-people-thing.”
“Good thing you’re not particular about what goes up your butt. I remember our honeymoon.”
“A little poppers helps a lot, baby.”
Janet, attempting to push the story forward, interrupted the couple’s exchange, “Ew, stop it. I’ve heard all about the size of what you have in your toy chest and don’t need to know any more. So what happened next?”
“Well, we fucked. It was great. Probably the best sex I’ve ever had”
“Me too,” Dennis agreed, “Why do you think I texted you first thing the next day?”
They heard a loud sniff come from Dmitri sitting in the corner sofa chair. “Anyone want a bump?” he casually remarked, holding out a key with some white powder on the tip and a small baggy.
“Don’t mind if I do! I was going to ask for coffee, but this will do,” answered Alice carefully taking the key from Dmitri, taking a sniff, and then passing the baggy and key to Dennis sitting on the sofa to her left.
The party continued for the next 3 hours until around 2 am. Alice and Janet decided to take a stroll before going to bed next door and Keith showed Dmitri to the door.
“You sure you ok to drive? I know you’ve been having a hard time recently and just want to check that you didn’t party too hard. Did you sign up for eHarmony like I suggested? You know they are known for pairing the most marriages.”
“Look, no offense, but if I even wanted to get married I wouldn’t be into using that electronic yenta.”
“I’m sorry. I’m out of line I guess, but my marriage has just made me so happy and it’s so nice to have guy to share my stock profits with. I just want the same thing for you, you know, happiness.”
“Yes, man, thanks for having me over. It was really great, not trying to be pissy with you. It was almost like old times. Almost… if it was old times I’d be sleeping over.”
“Oh shush your mouth. I don’t want Dennis to hear. You’ll put ideas in his head and we have little ones sleeping downstairs these days.”
“I know, I know. I’m out. Have a good night, guys.”
“You too. Safe ride home. Text us when you get in, we want to know that you didn’t end up in a ditch.”
“Will do. Love you.”
Keith turned around too see Dennis staring at him with a devilish grin. He knew exactly what that look meant and was getting hard just thinking about it.
“I can’t wait to go shopping tomorrow, honey.”
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December 13th, 2009 at 10:07 am
I just had to comment on this. Alicia turned me on to your blog about a year ago and have been a faithful follower since. This piece totally resonates with my frustrations regarding gay marriage–in that, I don’t think it’ll ever be “equal”. I feel like we’re such damaged goods that a healthy marriage (by hetero terms) will never be within reach.
Anyway, great short. And posts, in general.
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