I normally hate that shit, but this actually sounded like kinda fun. I am a regular yoga practitioner and I like to get naked. This could be fun? After arriving, I should have known I was in for a really weird experience when I went to the bathroom before class and saw this:
To recover, Eliot and I had to talk out the experience. Curious about Hot Nude Yoga? Well then live vicariously through our conversation below:
Eliot: I’ve been working out for a while now, and finally got the confidence to do something that looked – honestly? – kind of crazy hot. Something that sounded like a weight loss commercial + gay faerie spew.
me: I do love gay faerie spew, but this was more not than hot I’d say.
Eliot: Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm right. Even though i’m not particularly into super-muscular, lean chelsea bodies, the photos on the site are really tempting.
me: But I showed up and you were waiting in the hallway because you were terrified.
Eliot: Right, shaking because, come on, that hallway was like a midget whorehouse.
me: I’m not even sure what that means, but I totally agree, I’m pretty comfortable with my nudity, so it was no biggie for me, but like… it was a weird crowd.
Eliot: Here’s what i love. I’m getting undressed, SHAKING, and you literally saunter in like you were at a grocery store. Then again, you once photographed your mangina for public display.
me: This is true, I did photograph my mangina for public display in college. To complete the grocery store image however, I think they needed to be playing Seal’s “Kissed by a Rose.” That’s the one song I always hear at the grocery store, and I wouldn’t put that past them. The music was pretty new agey.
Eliot: that WAS enya, right? It was like “wait, wait, he’s not actually playing enya, right?” I was SO WORRIED that i’d be super boned throughout the whole class. You guaranteed me that wouldn’t be the case, and all i needed to do was walk into that room, shaking, to realize i’d be in turtle poke mode for 90 minutes – literally TREMBLING.
me: I generally am kinda like a dog when I am naked in public, my penis just kinda goes inside me. I’ve gotten really comfortable with the fact that I look like I have a micro-penis when naked in a group.
Eliot: haha!
me: plus, there was really no one to get boned about. The only cute person had the same name as me and they made us all stand up, look at eachother, and introduce ourselves. It was kinda like speed dating in the worst way, definately not like yoga
Eliot: Right, like…huh? i can see your penis but this feels like weight watchers. But i could’ve gotten boned over the yogi. He was so beefy
me: really? He was a large black man named Hollis teaching what was essentially “power yoga” at a Crunch gym or something. I can’t think of anything much more corny.
Eliot: But NAKED, with a big ol’ ween!
me: True, he did have a huge ween.
Eliot: that’s a dealbreaker, ladies.
me: Big weens?
Eliot: Yeah. Well, small weens are the dealbreaker.
me: hahaha, why is it a dealbreaker? It’s not for me.
Eliot: Big weens are the dealmaker.
me: I prefer average peens. Big ones are nice to look at, but that’s it – at least for me. I might not be the insatiable black hole of a bottom that I could be. The point is, in the beginning of class, Hollis makes us all look at eachother and say our names, and I think he took a particular liking to us, because I think he could tell we were both on the verge of cracking up.
Eliot: I WAS. But also because i get so fucking sweaty, my glasses slide off my face. At one point, i was like, “wow, i didn’t realize it was bikram yoga,” aaaaaaand it wasn’t. I’m just a monster.
me: That was my biggest complaint actually. Was that the actual yoga sucked. It was gym yoga.
Eliot: I’ve only done yoga with gym ladies (not lululemon crazies, but regular gym ladies)
so I was prepared
me: Well, I go three times a week at this point, have been doing it for three years, and actually have practiced a couple specific disciplines. I’m not great, but I know what the practice format should be. This was nothing like the teachers at serious studios. He basically was just yelling at us to do pushups at one point, but he called it chattarunga
Eliot: I knew i’d never heard of that! I was like…ok, cool, i can do pushups, but whatttt?
me: He was using yoga names for basic personal trainer style exersises. We didn’t really do anything besides a bunch of salutes to the sun and core strengthening excersises. At least for the first half. I’m not sure I’m even a fan of doing yoga naked. My junk kept getting caught between my legs. I would TOTALLY do yoga in underwear, but the support is kind of vital exactly! and that’s the other thing, without clothes to soak up the sweat my mat was so slippery I could hardly hold downward dog. I even had a towel and it was too much
Eliot: hahaha well it only got worse when the last half of the class was all partnered activity because our mats were pushed together and the place smelled like butt sweat. So basically we were doing yoga together on, like, a pile of banana peels just naked and gay.
me: Which, was pretty weird for other reasons too.
Eliot: It was like slippery twister.
me: we were pretty much the only two people there together.
Eliot: THANK GOD
me: people show up to this and do naked partner yoga with strangers. Pretty weird vibe.
Eliot: When i was spread eagle with your feet cupping my penis, i was literally biting my tongue from laughing because a) your feet were cupping my dick and b) IMAGINE IF I WAS CUPPING THE 70-YEAR-OLD GUY’S WEEN WITH MY FEET!
me: omg! I know! I can’t believe we were instructed to put our feet in eachother’s junk for the floor exercises.
Eliot: so good like..hollis, this isn’t yoga. I don’t know what this is, but it’s not yoga
me: well, that particular move was. That was a partnered paschimottanasana.
Eliot: Right, right, or “babydick salute.” But then we had to massage each other’s hamstrings. Is that part of the move?
me: Yeah…. you also don’t know where the hamstring is, FYI. it’s behind the leg
Eliot: Yes i do, it’s under the thigh!
me: You totally rubbed the top of my thigh. What was weird, was when we had to hug each other. That was not a pose with a name.
Eliot: that was when i was dying the most. “Now place your ear on your partner’s shoulder.”
me: I think it was like… the crescendo of a enya song, or maybe it was deep forest when we had to do that and I almost lost it.
Eliot: YES IT WAS. IT WAS THE CRESCENDO. THAT WAS INCREDIBLE. If I were doing that with a boyfriend or a guy who wasn’t you, my friend whose mangina I’d seen the second time we hung out, I may have easily been boned.
me: I was kind of like “ummm… is this real? because i’m questioning everything about my life choices right now. I never thought I’d be listening to new age music and hugging my friend naked with a bunch of gay chelsea dudes, ever in my life.”
Eliot: that was undoubtedly the apex for me. The funniest moment of the class.
me: I think Hollis yelled at me to relax my face, because I was trying so hard not to crack up.
Eliot: He did! When we had to sitt, butt to butt, and lay backwards on each other’s calves, that was almost funnier.
me: I thought that was pretty tame. Except without wearing underwear, I totally end up with a mangina in that position. The killer for me was that at the end.
Eliot: The group hug?
me: Instead of sitting shavasana like you are supposed to at the end, we group hug. So weird! After the group hug and feel good weirdness, which made me feel like I was in AA or a meth recovery group, you pretty much got dressed and fled.
Eliot: Oh i RAN. I needed to escape the smell of anus too, of course, but I love how Hollis also said we should say hello to each other on the street and you and I.
me: I take a long time to get dressed though, I’m just a slow dresser like that and Hollis was saying stuff like “we had a couple virgins in the class today”
Eliot: GET OUT. “And i think one of those virgins may have been terrified of us being absoutely terrfying.” It’s ok though because we will never see them on the street because we don’t go to Splash.
me: After the virgin comment, I was like “yeah, I normally practice in brooklyn.” And then he made me give him a hug. No joke.
Eliot: See, that’s why i left. No hugs, byeeeeeeeeee!
me: So would you ever do it again?
Eliot: Yes, if it were in an igloo with gentleman under 35 with facial hair
me: An igloo?
Eliot: yeah, COLD YOGA!
me: haha! That will make your peen even smaller.
Eliot: Not if i’m cupping the ween of someone who looks like Jeremy Sisto.
me: No one will ever look like Jeremy Sisto at yoga.
Eliot: never
me: Also, the idea of cold boners is grossing me out. So let’s just say we’d never do it again.
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