In honor of the soon-to-be-released Sex in the City movie and this seemingly food themed week at GMSC, I decided to make myself some Balls for lunch. Here are just a few of the reasons:

• Things that come in pairs! (Carrie and Big? Meant to be!)
• Steve only has one (Salut!)
• Because I’m 100% sure Josh & Josh and their SATC obsessions have no clue how to cook Balls for lunch, let alone eat balls, although maybe I take that back.
• Regardless, something about that movie, a gentle May spring breeze, and GMSC has inspired me to feast upon a pair of balls. Look!

Now, allow me to teach you! Read More!

Know what I once liked but have grown to hate? Motherfucking Sex and the City.

I have a plan for the movie coming out this weekend. Basically I am going to sneak a flask into the theater, heckle the movie, and basically make the movie an unpleasant experience for it’s droves of fans that just can’t seem to see that Sex and the City is slowly destroying everything that makes New York actually great with it’s nuclear fire breath and laser eyes.

Gabe Liedman and I had a little chat the other day and I think we have this down. Read More!

Remember the recipe I posted for a successful brunch, a couple entries down?

This is what it looks like when you add homemade homefries and a salad:

Isn’t it amazing to have actual original pictures and NOT rely on Google image search to illustrate one’s writing?

And yes, that is wild cold smoked salmon. Where can you get wild cold smoked salmon, you might ask? I splurged in this instance and went to Russ & Daughters but the thrifty and early to rise can find a wholesale store for individuals consumers at ACME Smoked Fish Co. in Greenpoint every Friday morning from 8am to noon for walk-ins. Wild Alaskan salmon is one of the few sources of sustainable wild fishing in the world and is a wonderful thing to support.

After six plates like this had been consumed, there was a lot of hollandaise left over, so I sat in the corner of my backyard and shovelled it into my face with my hands, like a bear with a pot of honey. Good times.

Guys! There’s a new episode of Meat Picnic. In this one, hear the sad tale of an angry bucket who gets used by everyone in town.

I have a friend. We’ll call him Marlie Cholsky to prtect his identity. If you’re like Harriet The Spy and want to know who this is, you can figure it out as he sometimes comments on this blog.

Well Marlie Cholsky had a european friend named Marcello (pronounced Mar-chell-o, because he’s euro, duh). Well, Cholsky and his girl friends were wondering if Marcello was gay or just European. It’s hard to tell. He sometimes talked about girls, and sometimes he talked about guys, and basically was a whole mess of sexual confusion to us Americans who need boundaries and labels in order to get our flirt on. One day, Cholsky receives a message, “I was wondering if you and your friends would like to go to brrrrrrrrrrunch?”

This sealed the deal. Marcello obviously loved men. Because only a homo would would invite a group of friends to brunch in advance and role all the r’s in the word with such ease and familiarity.

And in honor of memorial day, I thought I’d share an easy recipe for eggs benedict so that you can have all your faggy friends over or just make something for that special trick you woke up with. Read More!

I’ve finally managed to upload a clip on teh interwebs, so you can see for yourself (quick! before it gets deleted).

Oh, probably NSFW. Unless you work for, say, a penitentiary.

Years ago when I went to NYU for film (sssshhhhhh! Now I just tell everyone that I went to Sarah Lawrence before my FTM operation), I made a short film for an experimental video class. It featured some graphic, albeit simulated, unprotected gay sex. I was anticipating some less-than-enthused reactions from my peers (overwhelmingly straight and surprisingly conservative in some respects), but expecting support from my teacher. She was well-regarded amongst students, partly because she was continuing to direct films (she came out with a very critically lauded little film in 2006) and because she didn’t seem to be on auto-pilot like so many of the NYU professors. It was a known fact that she was good friends with some of those who helped establish New Queer Cinema, like Todd Haynes. She even told me she had worked on gay porn before.

So if I expected anyone to support my little movie, it was her. Read More!

I recently found out via a comment about my last Muxtape that, like myself, my friend Hannah loves to sit in her room and listen to depressing music! Also, I learned that we both have what we consider to be excellent taste in emotional music! And since we’re really emotionally complex people who need to just feel things, we’re having a competition for which of us can make the saddest mix in the world.

Both of us had the same difficulty with this. There’s just so much depressing music that we both love. Limiting our Muxtape to 12 songs made us both feel like the mixes had certain inadequacies. Needless to say, Hannah brough her A-game. Both of the mixes available after the jump. Read More!

So apparently people have been doing this sort of thing for a long time, as evidenced by the existence of the site Jowler, but I just learned about this over the weekend so I’m going to write about it like it’s news.

I threw a BBQ and we played a game called “Shakeface” where you make your face go slack, shake your head as hard as you can, and then take a photo. What you end up with is a picture that looks like what you could look like had you been born with some sort of serious retardation. It’s the best game because it is completely and totally headache inducing and pointless.
Below is my Shakeface.

More after the jump. Photos by good friend Kyle.

Read More!

Remember my sworn vendetta against Josh and Josh Are Rich And Famous and all they stand for?

Thanks to the wonderful Vagenius, this little gem has just come my way. It appears one of the Joshes posted the following picture picture on his facebook with the caption “hanky code 101.”

Josh, what you are advertising is a little more than “101.” This is more like a full on PhD in ass gymnastics. According to this online guide to the hanky codes, a red hanky in the right hand back pocket means that that the wearer is looking to receive a good fisting. Josh Koll — you slut! That sort of behavior will not land you the sort of gay, married lifestyle recently featured in the NYT you are so very jealous of. You’re much more likely to just end up with a prolapsed rectum.

YEE HAW!! Shit is gettin’ good. The primary season has dragged on FOREVS, longer than a wild booze filled night with Fist Patrick. The Media don’t really need to cover the important stuff anymore like say Iraq, Health-care, Mexicans.

Instead, they’ve begun highlighting important character flaws for each candidate, namely, how Barack Obama’s a fag who likes to bro down with dumb jocks but can never quite relate to them. Mmmm…STEAK-UMMS!

Recently, one of his old boyfriends, John Edwards, joined him in Michigan for a much needed endorsement. Remember him? He campaigned way back in the Stone Age. Edwards simply loves a nice blue-collar boy. And those guys cream for him, too. Moments before their love fest, Barack wanted a fix of some bro and headed to a Chrysler Plant. The fool! WHY OH WHY didn’t he take my advice and avoid any possible stunt to seem manly. Stick with basketball, not silly Urkel glasses and fluorescent green Ipod headphones, Barry. And sweetie, honey, darling, when you prance around an industrial town and refer to a reporter as Sweetie, you seem more Absolutely Fabulous than Absolut Brut. Sassy won’t beat back the Republicans, get a little heated.

Rather then simply ignoring the reporter, he broke down like a sensitive boyfriend and left the ballsy woman a message: Read More!