I have this awesome yoga teacher (ed note: yes, I have become one of THOSE gays). She makes us sit around her feet like little children and she teaches us sutras. All of us in her class, we’re just, well… deep like that. Because we really take in the teachings and understand them. This week’s:
Read More!

Because it’s getting to be that time of year, I’m providing a helpful list of things that you can get me for Christmas. Those who do not oblige will be swiftly deleted from my Myspace and subject to years of ding-dong ditch.

You probably want to print this out.

10. CROCHET UGG BOOTS.

These are one of Oprah’s favorite things. And if I can’t be Oprah, I can at least pretend I am by feverishly obtaining all of her favorite things and wearing/using them all at once while dressed in blackface and crying out for Gayle King’s gentle embrace.

9. KOPI LUWAK COFFEE.

I’m tired of drinking coffee that I’ve had to digest entirely on my own. Which is why I’m asking for Kopi Luwak coffee, which is made from beans passed through the digestive system of civets. Who else do you know who drinks stuff that’s been shat out of a monkey? That’s what I thought, you filthy plebeians.

Read More!

For those unfamiliar with gay television or the advertisements plastered all over the 8th Avenue subway station, Dante’s Cove is perhaps the crappiest, most low budget show to elicit a variety of responses from it’s audience. Intrigued by it’s premise of gay wizards and supernatural gays on the beach, myself and friends, Freems and Marcelle, decided to sit down and brave this exercise in bad taste to see just what it was all about.

Dante’s Cove — Season 1 — Episode 1: The Beginning

00:01: It opens in the past with witches in salem? WTF? I thought this was about gay wizard boys on the beach having sex with each other. Not Lifetime’s special presentation for halloween. Weird straight wizard marriage is being discussed. Boring!

00:04: AAAAAAAANNNND… immediately into the gay sex with his butler once the girl leaves. Freems: “Yeah! Suck his dick!”

00:07: Ummm… where are the condoms in this sex scene? Shouldn’t here! network be promoting safer sex? I’ll forgive them for now because it’s supposed to be like… the 1800s or Time Of Olde Yore or whatever. Also: Butler has a huge penis.

00:12: Woman chains him up for having gay sex behind her back when they were supposed to get married. I’m pretty confused, because about six minutes ago he was REALLY into marrying her and now is saying he hates her. Emotional character arcs apparently are not a necessity when you’re a wizard in Dante’s Cove.

00:14: She casts a spell that can only be broken by “the kiss of a young man.” I don’t understand why this will be difficult for him. He may be kind of a butterface (”but her face,” get it, you guys!) but young guys are easy.

00:15: Oh, I get it. It’s because she’s turning him old and ugly that no one will kiss him. Except actually I still don’t get it because young guys are easy.

The intro starts up right after this. Lyrics:”Dying, dying to be with you.” Who writes this? Remind me to ask them to write me a personal theme song that will play whenever my phone rings.

I’m seeing lots of gay black magic montages in the intro which gets me EXCITED!!!!

Read More!

I have been in desperate need of a haircut. See, I refuse to pay for a haircut at a salon. I prefer to pay my a friend with a bottle of wine for a haircut in her kitchen.

I’ve been looking pretty bad recently. Kind of like the (possibly retarded) girl who works as a barrista at Oslo and intentionally wears her glasses crooked because she thinks it looks cute. But it doesn’t.

Segue to before and after pictures!

Read More!

its pretty fantastic when the best thing on the internet weds the best thing on the internet and throws in a retarded immigrant.

muvisfundancingymsexplaytravel? my favorite.

iam im to date and have fun with you? me too!

It turns out Eeez and I both have to be in the office on this beautiful post-Thanksgiving day that we should have off. I shared my Thanksgiving with her via gchat while updating the interweb sites I work on for, you know, my real job that pays me.

me: everyone liked my appetizers, but like, mmmm, they made some awesome food
also, we found out 15 sticks of butter were used
that’s a stick per person

Read More!

I think I’ll just have a salad this year.

Okay. Now pretend that this is not the face of someone responsible for at least 17 murders:

You’d totally go home with him, right? And up until he drugs you, drills into your frontal lobe, and eventually rapes your still-warm corpse, I bet you’d have a totally fun time. That Dahmer was such a party animal! His hobbies included molesting young Laotian boys, alcoholism, trepaning, necrophilia, and fashioning human heads into stylish soup bowls.

Read More!

There’s this place downstairs from my office called The Seattle Café.

I don’t know where they get this name from. There’s nothing remotely Seattle about the place. They have crappy coffee. The menu lacks homemade granola or a tofu scramble, and there is no cedar smoked salmon on anything. They don’t even have a Pacific Northwest Indian rendition of an Orca on the wall. A good example of a true Seattle cafe would be The Hi-Spot. Here hippies toil away at delicious home made cinnamon buns and baked goods daily, as well as serving up some hippie food with local and seasonal ingredients. And the coffee is delicious.

There is one thing on Seattle Café’s menu that I have never before seen in my life. And, guys, this dish is an epidemic sweeping our nation.

The egg white wrap with cheese.

Read More!

Two fair-haired girls, one big, one frail. They play in the dirt with their mangled Barbies, a terrier looking on ponderously. The frail one is smoking a cigarette, her hand extended like a monkey’s paw.

“I have an idea,” the thin one says.

“Oh?” The big one is eating the dirt, her face filthy, smeared. This makes the whites of her eyes pop - they’re the size of dinner plates.

“Put your head here,” the little one says, sticking out her palm. The fat one complies. “Now hold still” the little one commands as she draws her cigarette up to the other’s face. A clod of dirt falls from the fat one’s mouth as she responds with garbled sounds. The frail girl takes a noisy inhale from the cigarette before pressing the lit end into the flesh above the fat girl’s lip. The big one moans flatly and her feet flop in the soil.

“There,” the frail one exclaims. “Now you have a beauty mark.” She steps back, licks her lips as she waits for a response from the fat girl.

The fat one’s eyes are watering but after a moment she collects herself, produces a compact from her pleated summer skirt and stares at her new burn mark in the mirror admiringly. “Like Marilyn Monroe!” she cries. “I’m Marilyn Monroe!” She stands and gallops down the hill, clutching her skirt between her thick thighs and still screaming “I’m Marilyn Monroe!”

“Where are you going?” the small one hollers, watching the big girl shrink in the distance. She coughs, spits, lights another cigarette with a book of soggy matches. Clenching the cigarette firmly between her teeth, she picks up the mangled Barbie dolls stuck in the soil. Smooshing their heads together, she makes them kiss. The frail girl leans in close with her cigarette until the heat from the end of it starts to melt the plastic faces of the Barbies, warping them into drippy, elongated knots. “Fatty,” she mutters.